Friday, February 6, 2015

I have beheld a more glorious dawn, and mine eyes can see to eternity...

BEHOLD!!!
We've been together a while here, and we're starting to become familiar with some of the things that will make me hate your potato chips or other bagged snackfood.  This may well be the snack that bucks the trend completely, so let's break it down.

First and foremost, a bag that feels light or full of air will piss me off before I ever taste or smell your product.  As we can see from the above photo, this thing is packed to the gills with goodness.  Not a lot of ounces, but there is an inertia of snack when you shake the bag that makes it feel good in the hand.  Secondly bad sign, it's that whole bullshit "contents may have settled" statement on the bag.  Again, if you filled the damned thing there wouldn't be room for contents to settle.  As seen above and below, this glory is full-on three-dimensional roughage that isn't going to collapse in on itself.
There will be no "settling" here...
Like a said, no nancy pansy snacks here, these hold their own space and they are suitably sized (even compared to my paws and sausage fingers).  Now, what's the other thing that pisses me off?  That's right, too much Red Nuke Powder (RNP).  We have a very very light sprinkling of RNP here, or so I thought and then I checked the ingredients.  That's right kids, that's not RNP, that's real spices including honest to god Paprika.  Fuck Yeah, we got a solid snackfood all up in this shit!

Large crunchy portions
Now, what about those spices?  How does that flavor grab you?  I'll tell you, it grabs you pretty damned well.  This crackling sidles up nice and smooth, lures you into a sense of comfort, and then locks a steel grip on your junk and proceeds to lift you off the ground by your scrotum!  (do not try this at home)  And you know what else?  This is some crunchy shit right here!  What do you want?  You want some of this!  This is a slab of pork flesh that has been fried so long that it puffs up like popcorn and solidifies like epoxy foam insulation.  Your mouth will wish it could kiss itself so it can kiss you for being kind enough to let it eat some of this!

"Bite" size
This amazing, crunchy, tasty, and sweet smelling bag-snack is a slap of pork-flavored awesome right up the side of your head!  You're going to eat the hell out of these and you're going to like it, Francis!  There is a great porkiness that is not overpowering, and they spices are reminiscent of a light barbecue sauce and there is some actual heat in there.  It doesn't linger, and it is not oppressive, but there is still a great tingle in the back of the throat that lasts through the bag.  Assuming that bag lasts long at all:

Good to the bottom of the bag
To recap:
1) Full Bag
2) No Settling
3) No RNP
4) Full Flavor
5) Crunchy as Fuck
6) MADE FROM REAL DEAD PIGS!!!

Final Rating: P16!/5.0

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go out barefoot in the snow and kill a bear with my own teeth and hands!  RAWWR!!!