Friday, November 21, 2014

Do I really have nothing else to write about?

Doritos "Jacked" Spicy Street Taco. . .

Jacked. . .

Taco. . .

Doesn't this bag just say, "Eat Me!"?

What can I say that hasn't been said?  There is a lot of Red Nuke Powder on these.  Way more than necessary.  They are also so predictable yet forgettable that I had to buy and eat two bags to remember what the hell I was going to write.  Even now, I'm only putting fingers to keyboard out of insane boredom during my afternoon break.  I had the first bag over 2 weeks ago, took these photos and then didn't write a review.  Last week I remembered not writing a review but couldn't think of anything to say.  Then today I realized I hadn't posted anything lately; no chips reviews or weird dreams or depressing stories of my youth for 3 weeks.  So I said to myself, "what the hell can I say about Doritos JACKED Spicy Street Taco flavored corn tortilla chips?" (I actually did not say this outloud, but bear with me.)

So, as I was rushing back to the office at the end of my lunch and stopping by a stuffer-shack on the way to get some savory roller-dog action, I saw once again on the shelf a bag of DORITOS JACKED SPICY STREET TACO....  mocking me in its immemorable assault on my senses.  I realized then that this bag of Red Nuke Powder-covered monstrosities was not going to do me over again.  So I bought something else entirely.

Perhaps this is the best way to review a chip/snack/thingy.  What are the impressions of this oppressive equilateral triangle of corn meal weeks after our initial run-in?  First, these things are huge.  I don't know what Doritos is compensating for, but these are big and thick and good fucking luck getting a whole one in your mouth.
Ridiculous man-hand for scale...
Secondly, as I stated above, they are absolutely doused in Red Nuke Powder (RNP™).  Who invented this stuff?  It's on everything and it is not welcome.  From now on I am instituting an automatic rating reduction for the addition of RNP™ to the product.  The flavor on first bite is very vaguely taco-ish, but the goddamned RNP™ soon turns this bag of snack food into a gauntlet of mock-pain.  It doesn't really hurt and doesn't really get "hot", but the combo of whateverthefuck chemicals in the RNP™ makes your mouth think it is on fire for a least 5 minutes after you stop chewing.  I'm sure I'm now in the early stages of throat cancer or something.  

And yet, I ate the whole bag.  Twice.  What does that say for my personality?  Why can't I just throw away a bag of bad chips?  And why the hell would I buy two bags?

I couldn't give this any better than 2.5/5 but then I looked at the low bar set by previous posts and these were not better than Funyuns, no matter how much RNP™ was involved, so we'll adjust it down to 1.99/whatever.

But Wait!  There's More!

I could see how, perhaps, my cathartic word vomit here is helping me to be a better person, so I will regale you with another tale of bag-fail.  Instead of buying the dorootoos jooked spoocy stroot toocoo again I went for some lighter fair today:
New product, different brand, lighter bag...
Yes, some Lay's Potato Chips!  Pico de Gallo "Flavored" chips!  We're not talking GRRRRR-ARGH IN YO FACE ADVERBS IN PRODUCT NAME snacks, just some nice. . .simple. . . chips. . . 
GOD DAMMIT!!!  Why am I being Punished!?!

So, now we've got a competitor brand of a different "flavor" that actually tastes very similar to the DJ-SST, it has less RNP™ (but still way too much), and all of this on a flimsy chip that is less satisfying that biting through an unflavored rice-cake.  Seriously, these have no substance to them at all.  It's like you sprinkled really really shitty instant tomato soup powder over a bowl of old communion wafers. (if you've never "gone catholic", just imagine crunching into a millimeter thick disk of quick dissolving starch packing-peanut material)

And the flavor just gets muddied and undifferentiated and soggy and insubstantial and everything just tastes worse and worse until you just wish Flanders was dead. . . 

Seriously, fuckit.  In the trash.  I will no longer subject myself to other people's mistakes.  You may have tricked me out of money, but you won't get my anguish to sweeten the deal.

Rating: FU!/5.0