tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26506059271671276742024-02-18T18:28:05.752-08:00R'Lyeh Shopping NetworkFunkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-82769281599755040782018-12-28T13:14:00.000-08:002018-12-28T13:14:41.143-08:00Extraneous organs...Do you know what your gallbladder is? It's STUPID and it's DUMB and it's NOT WELCOME HERE ANYMORE!!! <br />
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Anyway, not that I've been tearing up the blog lately with snack reviews, but things are going to change soon. Or, maybe they won't. They say the best spice is hunger, and if I'm not allowed to eat amazing fatty awesome foods anymore, the more I'll appreciate them when I do sneak one in... <br />
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But, let me back up a bit. Sherman, set the way-back machine for about June of 2018. I seem to recall having a massive charcuterie plate at my friends' house, probably too much whiskey. I had a twinge in my back later in the evening, which I attributed to digging post holes for a deck. Except, when I went home for the night, the twinge turned to an ache, and the ache into pain. Over the course of the next several hours I found that I could not find a position that was comfortable. I tossed and turned, I had hot flashes and cold sweats. The pain was concentrated in my back, just the right of my spine, and at the bottom of my ribcage. This pain radiated around my right side to just under my breastbone in the front. It was like I had been run through and could only feel the entry and exit wounds. Not sharp pain, just constant dull pressured pain. Pain which came in very slow waves of increasing intensity until I finally "popped" and fell asleep at like 3 or 4 in the morning. What the actual Fuck was that? I should see a doctor.<br />
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Schedule my first non-work-related physical in. .. ever. Get blood draws, go to my physical, get a finger up my butt... And then listen to Dr "Throw-Ass" drone on about his fucked up diet ideas, starvation, and how grains tell your body Winter is Coming and put on fat. Oh, times up, sorry we didn't get a chance to talk about your actual problem. Bye! <br />
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Okay, so, bloodwork shows I'm not a complete wreck, maybe that incident was a one-off. Time To Ignore The Problem! (and I still don't know what it is) Several months later, wash, rinse, repeat. But this time it's different. I'm definitely dying. I've never felt pain like this before. I nearly shit myself, and I power vomit for hours. To quote a phrase from a friend, "It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever." Obviously this is the same as the old thing, but now 10 times more painful. Like, Can't even lie down without taking huge drugs, even then didn't get to sleep until 8 or 9 the next morning.<br />
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At this point, I'm desperate for answers. Looking up everything online, try to convince myself I passed a kidney stone or something. Eventually talk to my mother (a nurse) who gives me this look of "dumbass" and basically says it can only be my gallbladder going to shit. Also, how could I not know this, seriously WTF kid? <br />
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So, that's where we are. Had another attack, about as bad as the first one, over Xmas. Have finally been to a real doctor, who is not my old looney doctor, and received a diagnosis. Getting my guts imaged on Monday. Probably get this sucker popped out sometime in January? Time will tell. But fuck you Gallbladder. You had one job and you fucked it up royal. <br />
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I wanna eat a pint of ice cream to console myself, but that could literally kill me...Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-16875623741740560822018-08-02T13:58:00.000-07:002018-08-02T13:58:08.039-07:00I put my hand upon my chip. . .So, let's knock the rust off this shitty blog and start reviewing snack foods again.<br />
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I was saying to myself the other day "Self, you need an outlet. You're yelling at kids, traffic, and clouds again. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Now you're talking to yourself, and answering!" and then I threw my hands up in the air and left me in the other room while I went and played Zelda...<br />
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But I digress. Today I managed to bring some solidly mediocre (for instant) pho for lunch today, and then managed to dump most all of it down my pant leg. At which point I learned that the same material they add to denim to make these jeans a bit stretchy, also makes these jeans absorb stupid-hot liquids faster than a ShamWow. After appreciating a good scalding for what it is I started walking. . . into a Walgreens? Anyway, I needed sustenance to supplant my missing pho, and I stumbled across these. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.imgur.com/9eoRDqu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="240" src="https://i.imgur.com/9eoRDqu.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wave, kids!</td></tr>
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Two! Count them, Two! of the "new" summer flavors that Lay's barfs up every summer as a <i>contest</i> of Do Me a Flavors or some shit. (wait, it's "Tastes of America" this year...) Anyway, the "new" is in quotes because I swear I've already reviewed the <b>Truffle Fries, </b>(checks post history...) Yeah! <a href="http://funkthulhu.blogspot.com/2015/07/welcome-to-potato-chip-apocalypse.html">I did do the Truffle Fries!</a> I don't know what they did this time, but they didn't suck as much. Or maybe I was hungry and that was enough. Anyway, they still don't smell like anything.<div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.imgur.com/MBpfrnR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://i.imgur.com/MBpfrnR.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So, my lunch was 430 calories. . plus another bag.</td></tr>
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<span style="text-align: left;">They did add actual Duck Fat, Black Truffle, and Chicken Fat to the ingredients, AND they're not the dead bottom of the list. So, there's more of that stuff than. . . oh, wait. Fuck, all the "good stuff" really is the bottom of the list, with parmesan cheese being dead last. That would explain why these are weak sauce in general.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.imgur.com/i04LfXf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://i.imgur.com/i04LfXf.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">you need a rope to get down there to the chips...</td></tr>
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<span style="text-align: left;">There is the usual air filled bag protects your chips routine. I'm starting to appreciate this for what it does, not so much how it looks. I did get a bag almost entirely of whole, unbroken chips! (then again, I literally stood there today as the Lay's guy was filling the shelves, stealing bags as he put them up)</span></div>
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<a href="https://i.imgur.com/EAIVCOW.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://i.imgur.com/EAIVCOW.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I'm going to tell you how to eat these now. Just eat the whole damned bag. Do NOT drink anything, or eat anything else. Consume these chips and only these chips until they are gone. What will happen is that some of the flavors will meld together, some will pull apart. The vague aroma that lingered at the opening of the bag will intensify as what you are pulverizing in your mouth slowly eeks up the back of your nasal passage and stimulates your olfactory lobe. At this point, you will actually taste the truffle, some aged cheese, some parsley. But, if you take even a single sip of cherry cola (like I did) it will all crumble to dust and you will be back to tasting Fuck All of note. </div>
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Rating: 2 extra hearts / Hearty Truffle </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.imgur.com/rmShpUD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://i.imgur.com/rmShpUD.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So, now we're up to 850 calories of chips for lunch...</td></tr>
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Okay, then, <b>Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Popper</b> in Wavy form. There is some serious Bag Funk going on here. The base oil and potato combo that all chips have as an undertone is sprinkled liberally across the nose with a "Green" smell. Like, vaguely vegital but bright? There is also a whisp of bacon. Looking at the ingredients it actually contains Jalapeno powder! (also "contains pork"?!?!) Anyway, it doesn't smell great, but it does smell interesting, which is leaps and bounds better than the vague truffle fries aroma wasteland.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I mean, at least they're in whole pieces</td></tr>
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Pretty typical bag-fill, nice whole chips. Like the truffle fries, all the chips were fresh and crisp. The wavy style wasn't super thick or tooth-shattering like I like my chips, but they were reasonably crunchy. But, that's about it. The flavor was <i>nice</i>, I guess, but nothing to get too excited about. Considering the audacity of the Bag Funk on opening, I had expected these would tickle the taste buds a bit more than they did.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I keep forgetting what I've ate, so now I write notes on the bags in case I don't post same day...</td></tr>
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In the end, I would rather eat the pseudo-bacon jalapeno whatsits more than the sort of truffle fries. Either would be okay as a dip chip, maybe for french onion, mostly because they won't stand up for themselves. But alone they just kind of are.<br />
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Rating: 257 out of 900 Korok seeds<br />
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So, hmmm, 850 calories from chips, another 240 from my Sprecher Cherry Cola, some meh noodles and some broth that didn't go down my leg. . . and as much salt as giving Lot's Wife cunnilingus.<br />
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Great Lunch!</div>
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Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-56620595767046739732018-08-01T07:40:00.005-07:002018-08-01T07:42:57.554-07:00Something stirs....Things are waking up. . . .<br />
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<img height="263" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/uoup7e9xnbme6vofmwrn.jpg" width="400" /><br />
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...something is coming.Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-56048570321743429822017-06-22T21:48:00.001-07:002017-06-22T21:48:11.067-07:00I feel bad about this reviewSo. . . Tiki. . .<br />
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I like the Tiki. I like it very much. <br />
<br />The rum, the decor, the rum, the music,the rum, the wardrobe, the rum...<br />
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Today I decided to arrive in person at our own slice of Aloha here in Lincoln, NE.<br />
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John J's Chow Hall is. . . interesting. This facility resides in ground floor north of the Graduate Hotel, formerly the Holiday Inn, on 9th and P streets downtown. I would hesitate to call John J's a Tiki Bar. If anything it is a confused officer's bar. The John of the namesake is General John J Pershing, Nebraska's hero General of Armies from World War 1 (note: He was not born in NE, just did stuff here, like go to college. We're really proud of this import). It should be noted that WWI was fought in Europe, and that JJ served only briefly in the South Pacific, in the Philippines, and at low rank from 1901-04. So, right here, we have an odd juxtaposition in the name, theme, and history.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnChxYOYuzLDqPcwFWSVOxmX_H8JGfQL9P0pIXOl54O_JnzVbCb-W1x_JuOzHtAhZIoMbmHLWzyhRzajZBpoDRoMszGYtWjrCqOI5-q3ZROZ8QdyBM5jZ1vgPOPJdZSi9-rvUyaarEnUA/s1600/IMG_20170622_171346.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnChxYOYuzLDqPcwFWSVOxmX_H8JGfQL9P0pIXOl54O_JnzVbCb-W1x_JuOzHtAhZIoMbmHLWzyhRzajZBpoDRoMszGYtWjrCqOI5-q3ZROZ8QdyBM5jZ1vgPOPJdZSi9-rvUyaarEnUA/s400/IMG_20170622_171346.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjimg-T34u9vFetvI0NnnAozYVbVaW4HFaDtXaxE4Lmt9eTDLA_vbPds5ah-y1OIdWQD_Tr-vHHJ5JcWmOWntiEOUQj3zGmxQ2a8jlADs5Utohsm0QCuoWgaX2bBoKTSMLWRtHwqgOGpYU/s1600/IMG_20170622_171447.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjimg-T34u9vFetvI0NnnAozYVbVaW4HFaDtXaxE4Lmt9eTDLA_vbPds5ah-y1OIdWQD_Tr-vHHJ5JcWmOWntiEOUQj3zGmxQ2a8jlADs5Utohsm0QCuoWgaX2bBoKTSMLWRtHwqgOGpYU/s400/IMG_20170622_171447.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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But let's get down to what this place is built up to be. The decor is straight out of the Walmart/Target/Shopko Summer Collection. All deep, almost minty greens, with fronds and leaves overprinted upon each other. The whole of the dining room and bar is well lit, with a few strategically placed palms in pots, a couple wicker-wood chairs (with modern outdoor chair cushions), and one whole wall is composed of glass-paned garage doors that can open up on reasonably warm (but not too warm) days and nights. It strikes me as being what you might imagine an equatorial colonial canteen, if it were built today and stripped of all charm. In a word, vaguely implying something more, but otherwise sterile. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEqqF0NHc5ogTcGIGMTmi-882Dtp_C04x2uuz7LsixOXXRs_gbBb-i8hGJgCxSkL0VoDfnYVd4wtrDHW8430atiiH_W8Ccq7zZN3QZbwW7EU-Der_loN386BTsh8m2G1i6F9EVns0NPpg/s1600/IMG_20170622_172026.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEqqF0NHc5ogTcGIGMTmi-882Dtp_C04x2uuz7LsixOXXRs_gbBb-i8hGJgCxSkL0VoDfnYVd4wtrDHW8430atiiH_W8Ccq7zZN3QZbwW7EU-Der_loN386BTsh8m2G1i6F9EVns0NPpg/s400/IMG_20170622_172026.jpg" width="400" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCWgsilq8hfj_rT7xjPdC0yXs_2Zt5-HYjXYtBq8uKmTYBW0bzHnTGKUnDQVbq2Z-FBQcWeNM6jGsuDQ5sVUcQRTufF6WYh_zUfVxkMRVCC4x4-aZwb2wS7SY9oyH3FtYO7jItimaH1RE/s1600/IMG_20170622_180136.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCWgsilq8hfj_rT7xjPdC0yXs_2Zt5-HYjXYtBq8uKmTYBW0bzHnTGKUnDQVbq2Z-FBQcWeNM6jGsuDQ5sVUcQRTufF6WYh_zUfVxkMRVCC4x4-aZwb2wS7SY9oyH3FtYO7jItimaH1RE/s400/IMG_20170622_180136.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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The drinks: Reasonably priced, interesting once. I had two while I was there, the Specialist Mason, and the General Robson. I preferred the Robson of the two.<br />
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The Mason comes in an Alien Head:<br />
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The Robson comes in a Pig-earred Pineapple?!?<br />
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Both could benefit from a more simple syrup, or more fruit juices, or both and a lot more booze. I felt both were rather watered down, and in watching the preparation it was obvious that far too little ice was used while mixing. After shaking, the Robson poured out completely liquid, having melted all of its shaker ice. More ice in the shaker would have resulted in a colder drink that stayed cold and didn't melt as much of its ice. The somewhat cold drink is then poured into a room-temperature mug, which slightly rewarms the liquid. The vessel is then topped up with more crushed ice, which just made it worse and allowed even more melting/watering down. Chill the Mug! Use bigger agitator cubes! USE MORE BOOZE! Seriously, each of these was at most 2 shots. I would be startled to learn that either had more than 3 oz of liquor in them.<br />
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There are NO standards of Tiki on the menu. Everything is an "original" creation named after some famous military personality. Those with experience will be able to tease out what each is based upon, but I was sad to see no Mai Tai, no Zombie, no classics. Otherwise, they have a full bar. The Tiki drinks seem to be an amusement for the guests, but they cater to the harder traveling drinker with a variety of harder liquors and a rack of taps. <br />
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The menu (see above) has food on the back. It is literally a mix-n-match affair. They list several proteins, like beef, chicken, shrimp, etc. and a list of sides. You order by number of meats, and number of sides. There are no signature dishes, no imagination, and not even a hint of theme. It is more disappointing when you expect more to begin with.<br />
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Music: Vague, background, I am guessing when I say it appears to be WWII (Not WWI, hello theme...) "military" pop songs. Bugle Boy, your people are calling. Not that it will matter, as there are several big screens mounted about the walls. This is obviously hotel-bar first and Tiki-bar second, and that music is going to get muted as soon as there is a game on.<br />
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Ultimately, what we're dealing with here is someone who wants to do something inspired. Someone wants to make a Tiki bar. Someone wants to do something original. Someone wanted to bring a bit of Polynesia to the Great Plains. But, it is blatantly obvious that the hotel had certain "requirements" for their hotel bar. I think Tiki was allowed because it would mesh with the Mid-century theme of the hotel. But, the entire hotel was refurbished in the last 6 months, I get the idea that the budget for this particular bar was extremely limited. This bar opened 2 weeks ago and when I randomly walked in tonight I was informed it was the Hotel's (and bar's) grand opening. I will point out that nobody knows about the grand opening. There was no publicity, no ads, not even a social media presence. Nobody here knows about it, and I doubt many will soon. <br />
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There is a certain critical threshold needed to put a bar over the top for fun, theme, and memorability. I know some can do more with less, but in this case I think they could have used a lot more to begin with. I really wonder what this place could have been if it had triple the decorating budget and mixologists who aren't afraid to make a drink that will fill the glass...<br />
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I will go back again in 6 months (if it's still open, and if they haven't read this review) to see if things improve. But until then I'll be taking my money up to Omaha where I feel special and can live in another world for a few hours at a time.<br />
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Rating: Capt Morgan Pirate Mascot trying to look cool at Mai Kai in Ft. Lauderdale.Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-43699898039702353052017-05-29T14:53:00.000-07:002017-05-29T14:53:05.207-07:00Memorial Day Ethnic Food Cleansing...How have I made it through this much of 2017 without making a blog-post yet? Surely not having a computer for a while in 2016 wasn't so bad... Surely not killing 3 hard-drives in 9 months. . .<br />
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Surely I'm not a lazy so-and-so that will do fuck-all if a routine falls out of my routine...... but I digress. <br />
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Today, against my better judgement I went a waltzing through the aisles of several ethnic groceries. We hit an Asian Stuffer Shack, an Indian Stuffer Shack, and a Mexican Stuffer Shack. Although, the Subcontinent rewarded us only with a huge jar of garlic-ginger paste and some dried chickpeas, so not much to report there.<br />
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First, I had to embellish my phallic symbols by not just buying and eating pockey, but buying and eating HUGE POCKEY!!!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're killin' me Smalls...</td></tr>
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I had originally hoped that this would be like regular pockey in that the whole box was one serving, but alas it was not so. Our flavor-dipped rods are individually wrapped for your pleasure.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/SdyFRRz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="400" src="https://i.imgur.com/SdyFRRz.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Remove wrapper before inserting... </td></tr>
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The big stick itself is akin to a semi-sweet bread-stick. Or maybe a really shitty, unsalted, unbrowned pretzel stick. It has been dipped in a vaguely flavored glaze or almond-bark substance (identical to regular pockey, and barely thicker). <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cat is unimpressed</td></tr>
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Overall, much less than I was expecting, even if I didn't know precisely what I was expecting. That being said, despite the individual wrappings, I have already eaten 3...<br />
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RATING: PO.5 out of POCKEY </div>
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Let's jump back across the big pond and focus on our southern neighbors. I saw two things while I was buying pineapple/coconut nectar (for rum) which I had to at least try. I think I may have spent almost 4 dollars on this experiment and it shows.</div>
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I flipped a coin, and then chose this one anyway: Rancheritos - El MERO MERO Sabor Ranchero. </div>
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At this point I will point out that, although I spent two years taking Spanish in high school, I can't speak a lick of it now. I literally have not goddamned clue what the fuck this is supposed to be, and after eating it I'm still not sure.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ME GUSTA!!! NO ME GUSTA!?!?</td></tr>
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Let's just cut to the chase here, I opened the bag to a magnum opus of underwhelming WTF... First impressions of odor were unseasoned cooked ground beef and cornchips(?)... <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do Not eat the Tabs of Orange Acid!!!</td></tr>
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To be blunt, the flavor is the same as the smell. Vaguely beefy, and completely boring. I don't actively dislike them, but the bag should have subtitles in English: "Ranch-style Corn-flats - I don't give a shit flavor".<br />
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RATING: Fritos fucked yo mama and kicked yer dawg (out of) Good Corn Chips<br />
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Lastly, we enjoy a visit from an old friend. I saw these next to the Takis and other rolled flavor explosions and thought to myself, "I wonder if these are spicy Churros?" So I bought this bag of Churritos - Fuego, advertised ON THE BAG as being the same spicy flavor at Takis....<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, I sure do love a churro....</td></tr>
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These are not Churros.... I feel lied to. I can't even blame my lack of Spanish, this bag is in my native tongue. (and on it...) But, a surprise lies within these lies...</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/9SqMzqb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="400" src="https://i.imgur.com/9SqMzqb.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DAY GLOW SPICE ACHIEVEMENT EARNED</td></tr>
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That's right, ladies and germs, we got ourselves a big ole bag of RED NUKE POWDER!!! Oh, RNP™ I have missed you so. (/sarcasm) I have to say, I don't think I have ever seen another snack product that has been expertly powder coated in this thick a layer of the good old RNP™. I would go so far to say that you could grind up this thin little sticks and use them to flavor other chips, and they'd still be bright F'ing Red! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/KATMQhx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="400" src="https://i.imgur.com/KATMQhx.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They turn Trump-colored under fluorescent light...</td></tr>
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This snack is a bit odd. I'm sure it's some sort of heat extruded material, but with limited levening or limited opportunity to expand. I would not be surprised if these would be Cheetos puffs if allowed to expand to their full volume. Consistency-wise, these are like Ramen noodles on Viagra, they're longer and thicker but not quite crunchier. The RNP™ is so overwhelming on these, especially considering the cross-sectional volume of the snack, that there is no reason to ever try to put any other flavor on there. These are RNP™ flavor, and that is all they ever want to be. I want to hate them, but I can't. </div>
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Fuck you Red Nuke Powder *crunch*crunch*crunch* I hate you Red Nuke Powder *crunch*crunch*crunch* (somewhere Puddles is singing Another Tear Falls...)</div>
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RATING: Just shut up and eat them, pansy.<br /><br />
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Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-88972794314147421422016-09-12T16:32:00.000-07:002016-09-12T16:32:02.294-07:00Stamping my Passport to Flavor!Today we'll be reviewing the Lay's "Passport to Flavor" Brazilian Picanha chips (subtitle Steak & Chimichurri sauce). ((wtf is chimichurri?))<br />
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Initial impressions, there are some tasty-looking street food skewers of probably beef on the front. I'd certainly try one of those if I saw it at a cart somewhere, because beef. MAYBE these chips will be reminiscent of meaty flavors and whatnot? I mean, the pork rinds were great, who doesn't like meat? (vegans don't count)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fallout of your fears about these chips...</td></tr>
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So, yeah, chips... I gotta be honest, I ate these a week ago and I'm trying to remember what I had. I recall something savory....? Let's go to the pictures, perhaps that will tickle some neurons. Typical bag of air, but this method of packing has resulted in a bag of mostly whole chips. I am still want to reduce the rating for this method of packaging, but I can't for the life of me come up with a better packing method for chips that would result in unbroken product. Maybe I just want more chips? These are only 2.75 oz of chips. Can't I at least get 3 oz? What about a full quarter pound? I bet they'd fit in the same bag of air...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20160903_210558_zpshayxl8pl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20160903_210558_zpshayxl8pl.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'll never get used to how empty a bag of chips looks when I open them.</td></tr>
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Okay, time to take a look at these chips. Funky, supposedly intense flavors; what are they going to be covered with? What's this? A good sign? YES!!! NO RNP<span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">™</span>!!! Looks like flecks of actual herbage on these chips, and some light dusting of darker spices. There's a subtlety to the flavors here. Nothing jumps up and pops you in the schnozz. These are edible, don't kill you over a serving, and repeatable!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I get why these are called Crisps in Yee Olde England</td></tr>
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The individual chips were large and fresh and crisp. I enjoyed eating these. Not in the usual OMG EPIC FLAVORE sense that I usually like (because it makes good reviews) but in a more subdued randomly eating chips while I do something kinda way. They don't belt you upside the head, but they don't fade completely into the background. I could certainly see myself eating these while watching a movie or having a conversation or something. They're reminiscent of the spices and the savory nature of steak. Considering there are steak skewers on the bag, I guess this is a success. All that said, I'm a bit disappointed. There wasn't anything horrible about these chips, they weren't so boring I'll forget them, and they were of a flavor that I found at least marginally pleasurable. So, basically, this chip was a near perfect storm to not only make writing a review boring as ever loving fuck, but also make me instinctually reach for them if I see them in the store again. I mean, when I did the pork rinds they got a ridonkulous rating because they were awesome and they were great to review. These are a 7. Nothing to write home about, but you're happy you're not stuck with another 3.</div>
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Lay's Brazilian Picanha - Rating: buy more yes / 5</div>
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Now let's talk for a moment about the "Passport to Flavor" that's going on. First, I'm just seeing these lately.. So I either missed the "do me a flavor" this summer, or there wasn't one. At the same time, these creeping up in August/September means this isn't a replacement schtick, but is probably a limited release anyway. Second, there are 3 more to pick up and I purposely chose this one to be the first of 4 because it looked boring/safe (I was right). I'm a sucker for kettle-cooked and that's up next. Stay tuned!</div>
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BONUS:<br />
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Trader Joe's Somewhat Spicy Dill flavored Kettle Cooked potato chips.<br />
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Go buy these.<br />
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Now.<br />
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Not later, not next week. Get your ass off that chair and get moving...<br />
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They're really crunchy, mildly spicy, and not nearly as dilly as you'd think given the label, but there is a LOT of Salt and Vinegar action going on here. You'll drink a lot of beer with these.<br />
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Rating: The Vlasic Stork just shot a hot, chlamydia-filled stream of pickle juice onto your tonsils...<br />
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Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-2096855083192286692016-08-29T17:03:00.002-07:002016-08-29T17:03:42.474-07:00A return to normalcy...Today...<br />
<br />
Mr. Lester's Bacon Cotton Candy.........<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, this exists...</td></tr>
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*sigh* <br />
<br />
I don't know if I can do this.<br />
I mean, seriously, who the hell thought this would be a good idea? What monster sits in a room and thinks, "Hey, that sickly sweet sugar fluff we somehow figured out how to bag and preserve on the shelf indefinitely, what if we added a salty savory pork flavor to that?" Good god, this is what will really be left on the shelf after the fallout...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't trust you Lester.</td></tr>
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Let's get started with the "name brand" here, this is Lester. Lester is not photogenic. It is obvious to me that this whole company is some sort of weird ego-boost for Lester, because otherwise... why would you intentionally associate yourself with this? If I met Lester at a road-side stand selling regular bacon I'd be wary; knowing that he's trying to hock Bacon-Flavored Cotton Candy? No way in hell. Seriously, Lester, the hills have eyes and I'm getting the fuck out of here.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, please do</td></tr>
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But, hey, maybe the key here is that this is intentionally a novelty product. They know you'll only ever buy it once, and likely you will share the bag so you all don't have to buy your own. That's what happened to this bag. This was obtained by an associate at our local Rocket Fizz, a store for weird candy, snacks, and sodas. We consumed it at a friendly get together where we intentionally watch bad movies. Let's just say the cinema in play at the time I was excited to distract myself with this. (that excitement was very, very short-lived) Seriously, it looks like it should come free in your order from Archie McPhee, So maybe Lester on the front is a good call? Definitely tickles the horrible part of my brain that thinks banjos are funny/scary... Anyway, let us actually try to eat some of this.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Obviously can't suffer too much from empty bag syndrome</td></tr>
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This is it, this lump of lumps, this vaguely off-flesh-toned mass, like some sort of airy tumor. It is more dense than I expected, but then again I am not very familiar with the wide world of prepackaged cotton candy. I will say that it does not, in reality, look at all appetizing. It is. . . well, actually, this weekend I spent an hour brushing cats excessively. After the brushing I had a pile of removed fur that could be wadded into a relatively dense orange and grey mass the size of a tennis ball. This felt like that. Teasing apart a piece to eat was not unlike trying to pull out just one small bit of fur. Almost identical tactile feedback.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm going to eat this?</td></tr>
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"But how does it taste?" I can hear you asking... At this point in the blog is when I usually go off the rails about RNP<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 19.2px;">™</span>, the horror of the flavors in my face, or the off chance that I actually liked it. The worst thing that could happen is if it were just, "meh". So, of course, it's just "meh". It's so "meh" I'm just "meh" trying to "meh" my "Meh" to the "MEH". meh</div>
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It's very sweet. Obviously, as it's just spun sugar. But the flavor is specifically NOT BACON!!! It's vaguely savory(?) and a bit salty. The best way I could describe would be to imagine you had real cotton candy that you forgot in your car after the fair/circus/sporting event. Now, imagine this lump that has allowed to settle overnight in a stale car has been very lightly sprinkled with the powder from really cheap "pork" flavor ramen noodles, and a touch of smoked sea salt. It's not horrible, but it is also so benign that I'm having a hard time trying to describe it. I will be clear, it is not good by any description. Seriously, don't buy this, it's an awful concept that is poorly executed. It only through the the application of horrible movies and hard alcohol that I was able to move passed this as a low point in my week.</div>
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Rating: 1 sad sugary slice / full 5 rashers</div>
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Thanks to Mary for providing the fodder for this review. I promise these will get better. I saw there wasn't a "Do me a Flavor" this summer, but the local Stuffer Shack had Four, count 'em FOUR new flavors of new chips in their Lay's Passport to Flavor promotion. We shall see, Lay's, I am about to mushroom stamp every page of that passport...</div>
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<br />Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-25989557446320520632016-08-21T21:42:00.000-07:002016-08-21T21:42:20.439-07:00I have a computer again; a desktop to type on. Based on my back-ups and whatnot I've been without for about 5 months now. A hard five months where not much has happened too me, but I've had a lot of time to myself to think about the things that have happened around me.<br />
<br />
Basically, I've got a lot of crap rolling around in my head lately, it's time I let some of it out.<br />
<br />
It sounds like the most cheezy cliche thing to say this, but putting my thoughts into text is a form of therapy. Some things I've written lately publicly and privately have really helped me rationalize and process some of my emotions. <br />
<br />
So, don't be surprised if you see more here in the near future.<br />
<br />
Besides, there's always more snack-foods to review!<br />
<br />
I"ll try to be up front about how shitty the posts are going to be so you can skip ahead to me being foul mouthed about potato chips and whatnot.<br />
<br />
Cheers,Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-44759659051502052252016-02-14T23:25:00.001-08:002016-02-14T23:25:47.492-08:00Catching up on a fucked up 5 months... Let's be upfront. I'm not going to review any snack food in this post. It's kind of a downer.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
So, I'm living by myself now.<br />
<br />
I'm living by myself in an apartment in Lincoln, NE with two cats. (So not really "alone")<br />
<br />
I moved here on Halloween weekend.<br />
<br />
I'm drinking rum (Kraken) mixed with Mt. Dew. Don't ask me how that happened. Probably because I had Kraken and Mt. Dew... This is not a mixed drink for the weak of spirit.<br />
<br />
Things have been weird.<br />
<br />
Like, really weird, life changing weird, probably (hopefully) won't happen again weird.<br />
<br />
I went to therapy for a while early last year, that actually went rather well. I'm not going to therapy anymore. Most of my "WTF is wrong with you?" is self-induced and, using learned techniques, is also now self-analyzed and thwarted. That's probably not the best idea, but I find that I'm generally more stable now so I'm okay with it. At least it saves me the $35 copay...<br />
<br />
Tomorrow my parents are going to show up at my door and they want to take me to "the boats". I want to spend time with my parents, but realistically I would probably get about the same amount of pleasure from wadding up 20 or 40 bucks and throwing it in a flaming waste-paper basket.<br />
<br />
I don't get gambling, and yet I buy powerball tickets. I am an enigma. I am a mystery.<br />
<br />
I apparently am good at typing out stream of consciousness random bullshit.<br />
<br />
I have my thermostat set to 73 degrees. Due to the ridiculously low cost of gas heat in this apartment complex, it is actually nearly 80 degrees in here. I guess my neighbors are more interested in tropical heat than I am, and I have tropical plants...<br />
<br />
I got a new couch. It is a fucking awesome couch. This fucker spreads most of the way across two walls of my apartment. It naps well. Like, really well. I had vastly undervalued the ability to lay out at full length on a piece of furniture and lose consciousness. Right now Clive and Schrodinger are playing "broke cat mountain" on it. I'm. . . I'm okay with that. I can't really judge two animals without testicles for having certain urges. Also, at least they're not doing it at my feet under the computer desk like they usually do. So, good on ya, boys! Hope you get some satisfaction out of that.<br />
<br />
Did I mention I'm drinking rum again? That's probably a bad idea in the long run. Empty calories, no real benefit, reduction in inhibitions, etc. That being said, I'm losing weight. (other than rum) I've been eliminating calorie groups from my diet. No more soda (except this that I'm drinking because I was baby-sitting my sister's kids this weekend. I'm Using It Up!), no sweet snacks, no candy, etc. It's really working. The plan is "20 by my 20", being pounds by my 20 year reunion on May. The sit-ups suck, but hey, at least I feel weirdly invincible for an hour or two afterwards. Now if I could only get my brain to remember how awesome you feel after you work out instead of how it focuses on how much it actually sucks to actually work out... But I digress.<br />
<br />
How many of you are actually still reading this shit?<br />
<br />
I don't have to commute to work anymore. This gives me approximately 8 hours more per week to do <i>something</i>, but I'm not sure what. According to my queue in iTunes, that time is not being spent on listening to podcasts. I have a ridiculous backlog right now. I'm kinda weird in that I can't bring myself to listen to Welcome to Night Vale because I have the book and I know the next episode is after the book. Continuity is a bitch. At least I still have The Dollop, and there was a rare but welcome live Walking The Room. I've also been slowly catching up on the Bleep Podcast.<br />
<br />
I got some wicked awesome new in-ear headphones. They have multiple drivers per ear, they sound amazing. I've fallen asleep listening to ambient music 2 out of the last 3 nights... Reminds me of when I was a kid and I listened to NPR while everybody else was in bed. I would fall asleep to the sound of that weird guy who played rare classical music at 2 in the morning. ...mourning.<br />
<br />
My daughter is dead.<br />
<br />
I have been running away from things too long. I've been hiding and distracting myself from things. I've been intentionally not applying my self-therapeutic methods the last 3 months. I've been trying to fill this apartment with furniture and bookshelves and whatnot. The excuse was that this was a project that needed my attention. I needed seating so I could entertain guests. Now I have a huge sectional couch. I needed to clean up the apartment and get all the books off the floor. Now I have bookshelves and everything is neat and shelved. I need a coat-rack to hang coats.... got that. I just keep making excuses to keep people from coming over as much as possible, but now I realize that the excuses are weak and I'm not really worried about the people coming over. I'm avoiding letting people in. I know I'll never have kids, and at this point I can't honestly say I'll ever get married or be anything other than alone. I left I woman I loved because we couldn't be together. I've been with nobody but her for the last 8 years and loved her more than I've ever loved anybody. Yet, I know we're both better off for the choice to part. At the same time I know we're both hurting. Her youngest daughter died. She fought the good fight, but she's still gone. There is a hole in me. Both from being alone, and from knowing that the closest thing I'm likely to have to a child of my own has passed. I wish I had been there for her and her mother and her sister and her fiance; I am glad I wasn't there when it happened. With very few exceptions, everybody I've ever known who gets cancer has died from that cancer. Grandparents, other relatives, they all succumb. I feel like such a heartless robotic motherfucker sometimes. Every time I learn that a loved one has cancer it is like they are already dead. I value the time they're still around, but it's like they're a ghost already or something. <br />
<br />
If someone comes back from the brink, it's like they're back from the dead. They lived and I celebrate their achievement by wiping the slate clean and revelling in their new existence. But those people are few. Mostly, I am mourning them while they are still alive, which is fucked. Because when they do die, it's like all the processing in my brain is already done. The last puzzle piece is in place, the flow-chart is at its terminal end. I move on. I watch others suffer. I feel for them, I wish I could help them or somehow make them feel better. But I don't let myself feel shitty. I don't let myself feel what I know I should feel.<br />
<br />I just buy furniture....drink rum.<br />
<br />
<br />Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-66591389822732292132015-09-11T11:18:00.002-07:002015-09-11T11:18:59.467-07:00My codependency with potatoes and salt...The days are harder now.<br />
<br />
The nights are long, dark and deep.<br />
<br />
It has been so long since I felt you upon my lips, tasted you...<br />
<br />
I find myself turning to the embrace of others.<br />
<br />
Spending time with those I would not by choice have associated if you were near.<br />
<br />
Where have you gone?<br />
<br />
I see you everyday, but not with me.<br />
<br />
Four new suitors have shouted and danced and gyrated to garner my attention, but they are not you.<br />
<br />
My one.<br />
<br />
My only.<br />
<br />
My Red Nuke Powder<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 19.2px;">™...</b><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The slog continues...</td></tr>
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Lay's (Do Me A Flavor) New York Reuben is on the block today. This is the 3rd of the 4 new flavors this summer. I've only got one to go after this, and I must say so far that there are not any that stand out from the crowd.<div>
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Let's start with being mad before I even open the bag. The Reuben was invented in Omaha, NE. There are several restaurants who argue about who was the first, but no culinary historian worth their salt would ever dispute that the home of the Reuben is Beef-Town USA, Omaha, NE. So, yeah, FUCK YOU, NEW YORK!!! THIS IS NOT YOUR SANDWICH, YOU ASSHOLES!!! I mean, WTF, Big Apple? You've already got claim to so much in this country, you gotta steal our pastrami (Or corned beef!) on rye sandwich and say it's yours? YOU DON'T EVEN MAKE SAUERKRAUT!!! </div>
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Okay, I'm done.</div>
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As usual, we're dealing with the "big bag, lots of air" packing method that (usually) ensures that most of you chips will still be uncrushed when you open your snack. I understand the why, but the what is still, "Hey, I just opened this and most of it is empty already..."</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150911_124540_zpsiehslrwk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150911_124540_zpsiehslrwk.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Capt', the bottom looks to be about 5 fathoms down.</td></tr>
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But, that's pretty much par for the course these days, so I'll not dwell on it. This is the 3rd of the 4 new flavors this summer in the Do Me A Flavor promotion. Last year, this concept brought us some really unique flavors and the awesomeness that is Kettle Cooked Wasabi Ginger, the chip of choice for anybody who's anybody. I've only got one more flavor to go this time around, and I must say so far that there are not any that stand out from the crowd.<div>
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<div>
You will notice the stark lack of something that has come to represent the best (and worst) of this blog. That's right, there is No RNP in this product. So, we obviously think we can rely on actual flavor instead of the taste-bud equivalent of ICBMs. (I kinda miss the RNP to be honest...)</div>
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<br /></div>
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The flavor is. . . meh. There's potato chippy flavor and texture, they're light and crisp and potatoey and salty. But there's no Zazz! No Pop! I just get these vaguely umami ambient taste tones on my tongue that trick my brain into thinking someone is slicing pastrami approximately 2 miles upwind...</div>
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<div>
These aren't bad, don't get me wrong. They're just boring. I suppose if you're someone who doesn't like a good salt & vinegar punch in the mouth while you have a sandwich, these would be great accompaniment to an actual reuben sandwich. </div>
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In the end, eating something like this makes me miss last year's Mango Salsa. Or, god forbid, the cappuccino flavored horror; not at all good, but at least interesting.</div>
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Rating: 2.blah/5.wut?<br /><div>
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Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-15740780830375088832015-07-28T14:08:00.000-07:002015-07-28T14:08:17.900-07:00Welcome to the potato chip apocalypse...Let's get this shit-show started!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150728_151141_zpsiwnuyeud.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150728_151141_zpsiwnuyeud.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey, Kid. Wanna buy some questionable fungus flavors?</td></tr>
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You're gonna get a two-fer today. First up, <b>Lay's Wavy West Coast Truffle Fries!</b> <div>
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<div>
Holy Crap, Man! Truffle Fries! Do you know how much good truffle fries are worth!?! They gotta get these pigs, see? And they train them to sniff out these weird fungus nodules that grow underground, right? And they sell those soil-caked mushroom lumps to high-end restaurants for a shitload of money! It's such a unique, rich, earthy flavor that they even press smaller bits into, like, olive oil and shit. Then these fungal geniuses fry something simple like dumb old potatoes in that oil, and Get This; Those potatoes now taste like they've got really expensive truffles IN THEM!!!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
At least, that's the idea. Let us just be subtle and say that the execution of this concept seems to lack some initiative on the part of Lay's potato chips. I know they're a multimillion dollar company, but practically speaking you're not going to find any actual truffles in a bag of potato chips that has $1.49 stamped on the bag...</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150728_151254_zps3cvuuruk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150728_151254_zps3cvuuruk.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't even use a fish-eye lens to get the bag to look this empty...</td></tr>
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When I opened the bag I noticed that the large, wavy chips are sprinkled in green. I seriously thought they had put sour cream & onion chips in by mistake. But, no, they are not, as the flavor is at once strong and yet vague. I tried to pick out individual flavors, but all I got was a generic uncertain herbal shadow on a slightly spiced salty undertone. There may have been something ever so tangentially related to cheese involved here as well, maybe. I did not, in any way, taste truffles. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I thought, "Hey, maybe I'm not smelling enough to taste the truffle?" Seeing as much of flavor is a combo of taste and smell, and knowing that truffles are aromatic as hell, I stuck my nose in the bag. I will tell you that I did not smell herbs, spices, cheese, potatoes and I sure as hell didn't smell truffles. To be quite honest, all I could smell was Dirt. Fake Dirt, boring dirt, maybe dirt that had a trace of rot in it. In an attempt to fake the flavor of truffles/truffle oil, they have succeeded in making me think of dry loam.</div>
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These chips taste/smell like seasoned crispy dirt. And after smelling that I can't not taste it that way from now on forever...</div>
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Rating: 1.1/5.0 WTF?</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150728_151619_zpsuczmt6bc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150728_151619_zpsuczmt6bc.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What is. . . I mean. . .I guess the colors are nice.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
ROUND 2: <b>Lay's Southern Biscuits and Gravy!</b><div>
<br /><div>
How should I start this? I'm trying to separate, in my head, these chips from the Truffle Dirt. I opened the last bag, ate a few, and then left the rest out for the wolves in the office. These I opened second and, assuming I wasn't so underwhelmed by the last bag by comparison, I actually thought they were pretty good. Maybe? Maybe only be comparison to the soil crisps?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150728_151642_zpsag6znrz2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150728_151642_zpsag6znrz2.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Object are fuller than they appear...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Let's start with smell. They smell good, or at least inviting. I suppose I should be happy that neither this nor the last bag had any Red Nuke Powder in them. Nothing here burns the nose hairs off. The flavor is also attractive. Salty, spice, a hint of umami. Truth be told, the combination of taste and smell was actually somewhat reminiscent of actual biscuits and gravy. But, ultimately it falls short. Think about the actual meal. You'll need the smell and taste of a buttermilk biscuit with salt and butter and a bit of caramelization of the carbs, and over that is a rich, salty cream/dairy-based gravy with a lot of fresh cracked pepper as well as all the flavors linked to the crumbled-up cooked sausage. It may not be possible to get all of this in a bag of chips. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That being said, they threw a rock at the broad side of a barn and managed to at least clip the edge. I think these chips would stand out more if labeled as a "mystery flavor". Don't tell anybody what they're supposed to taste like and let people make up their own minds. Or don't try to think what they might taste like, just enjoy the flavor they are. I can imagine these going quite well as a companion side to some cold macaroni salad or something.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Incidentally, there is a noticeable greasy sensation on the lips, this in combination with the other spices and flavors makes me think more of truffle oil than the other bag. Not as the primary flavor, but you might have been able to convince me it was one of the ingredients. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I actually want to split the rating on this one between what it wants to be, and what it is.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Rating: 2.0/5.0 as Biscuits & Gravy flavor</div>
<div>
3.5/5.0 as its own unspecified mystery snack flavor.</div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Coming up.... the other two.<br /><br /></div>
</div>
</div>
Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-24719312784259417752015-07-27T11:18:00.003-07:002015-07-27T11:18:35.926-07:00I feel out of practice...Hello darkness my old friend....<br />
<br />
I've come to eat Red Nuke Powder again.<br />
<br />
And tell the people about these chips that suck.<br />
<br />
Or maybe be rewarded for pressing my luck.<br />
<br />
For these chips are the warm-up to next week.<br />
<br />
Weird flavors I seek...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150727_125146_zpsyngjo8qp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150727_125146_zpsyngjo8qp.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nice rich welcoming color, no blaring typesets or screaming color schemes...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Today is <b>Lay's Sweet Southern Heat Barbecue</b> chips. This was the only flavor at the Stuffer Shack that I hadn't tried yet. As you can see the label has a red chili of some sort, disemboweled for you to gaze upon. There also appears to be a bowl of ketchup, or maybe cranberry sauce. As usual, the bag feels light and is puffed full of air to imitate fullness. I read somewhere that in the puff-bag model of distribution looking full and bigger is a bonus effect, the original purpose being to keep the chips inside from breaking as the container is its own airbag. Whatever, I still feel cheated.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150727_125250_zps0szwywxd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150727_125250_zps0szwywxd.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I am already wary. Is that RNP or Tang?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The chips themselves taste fresh and they are quite crisp. The color is off-orange of sorts, usually indicative of RNP but in this case may be purposeful coloring to suggest BBQ sauce. The flavor is not the usual round-house kick to the tonsils I've been experiencing lately, but it isn't subtle. There is a nice, semi-sweet flavor of a well spiced barbecue sauce over a mild but defined potato flavor. But then the magic happens...<br />
<br />
There is some heat here. Not the weird chemical warfare that happens to your face when you eat anything with Red Nuke Powder on it, but heat none the less. It grows slowly, so much so that I didn't notice it until I was on my 4th or 5th chip. It also has a nice plateau of heat that is well below tolerable, if not actually pleasant. It's as if the chips themselves are saying, "Yeah, man, I'm spicy. But it's the kind of spicy you like. I want you to finish my bag without pain or suffering. Just a pleasant low simmer for you to enjoy at your leisure..."<br />
<br />
Thanks, chips, I think I will.<br />
<br />
Rank 4.1/5.0 - These were actually quite good, I would eat them again. I imagine these would be great old school baloney sandwiches and some Kool-Aid.<br />
<br />
So, this was the warm up. Something easy to work out, like a slow walk on a sunday morning. But, worse things are coming. You know what I mean. The Lay's "Do Us a Flavor" promotion has started. Be on the lookout in coming weeks for the following atrocities: <br />
<br />
<b>Kettle Cooked Gyros</b> <--I had 1 single chip of these already, in a word: bland<br />
<b>Wavy West Coast Truffle Fries</b> <--I already know these will suck because real truffles will not be involved<br />
<b>Southern Biscuits & Gravy </b> <--I reserve judgement on what appears to be horrible<br />
<b>New York Reuben</b> <--First, Nebraska invented the Reuben, so fuck that noise. Also, will probably suck because it has the option of being great and so the furthest to fall.<br />
<br />
So, yeah, look forward to these trainwrecks. I can't help but feel that, compared to last year, these are all weak-sauce flavors. None of them are uniquely weird like the cappuccino of last year, they're all kind of a safe bet. But I guess we'll find out soon enough.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-27926941957704389532015-04-10T13:18:00.004-07:002015-04-10T13:18:56.168-07:00In which I judge a book by it's cover...<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150406_132212_zpsevvjbz8i.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150406_132212_zpsevvjbz8i.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is in my hand, mistakes were made...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm a sucker and perhaps a glutton for punishment. I have purchased, on purpose, another (new!) flavor or Dinamita Doritos. This time "Mojo Criollo" flavor.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150406_132230_zpsxaslxctr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150406_132230_zpsxaslxctr.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Next time I'm in bed with someone I'm going to say "Mi Explotar de Sabor!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
More and more of the packaging for this product line is being printed in Spanish. I mean, the ingredients and legal warnings/wavers are in english (by law) but the big bold text on the front and back is starting to make me wonder if I am not the target audience.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150406_132242_zpszax3okkw.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150406_132242_zpszax3okkw.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now I know mistakes were made...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The next question about these is, "what the hells is Mojo Criollo?"<br />
<br />
Seriously, what is it? I had to look on wikipedia and determined that it is some breed of horse or sheep. So, these are horse-flavored snacks? This could be interesting.... Nope, I found a recipe for a Cuban marinade with Citrus juice(s) and Garlic. Actually, that sounds better than horse, maybe. But before I've even opened the bag I've seen enough and felt enough and remembered enough of other flavors that I'm thinking, "there is no way in hells that these are going to score over 2/5..."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150406_133213_zpsrf0yc4jn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150406_133213_zpsrf0yc4jn.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hang on, where's the RNP?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And I was wrong. I opened the bag to be shown this rather bland looking pile of pale yellow sticks. I actually said out loud, "These aren't swimming in Red Nuke Powder!" And then I ate one.<br />
<br />
They were. . . good! They are a little zingy from a not overpowering portion of the chemical citrus juice flavor I've tasted before, and the rest was garlic and unidentified spices. I was now kind of excited, as these did not rip out my face, violate my throat, or shit on my tongue. The flavor was mild and did not linger overly long. I actually thought at first that these could be a 5! But, alas, I've become so used to the GRRRR ARGH FLAVOR FACE FUCK of other chips that I actually became bored with these.<br />
<br />
I think they'd be great for dipping into . . .something, but by themselves they ended up left by the wayside. At the end of the day I threw away about 1/2 the bag, not because they were bad, but because I was bored with them. I couldn't even justify taking the rest home with me.<br />
<br />
Like this post, they were so boring you'll forgot you read it an hour from now...<br />
<br />
Rating: Meh 3 / Meh 5Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-66389549316990623632015-04-03T13:16:00.002-07:002015-04-03T13:16:29.855-07:00Okay, this is just getting ridiculous...So, here we are again, it's been awhile. How have you been? Things going well? Good, good. . .<br />
<br />
OMG it's DORITOS JACKED 3D!!!!!!!! (Jalapeno Pepper Jack flavor)<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150403_133343_zpso6bkfzw4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150403_133343_zpso6bkfzw4.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With Avengers 2 movie tie-in!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm cautiously optimistic about this<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150403_133357_zps7apwjbc6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150403_133357_zps7apwjbc6.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Tiny Triangles, very dense, hurt teeth</div>
<br />
Okay, maybe optimistic is not the right word. The bag is smaller than your average chip bag and the contents are small and heavy. The aroma is "Dorito" but weakly so. Considering the density of the chip-material and that the bag only weighs 3 1/8 oz., you can imagine that you can have a few big chippy things, or a bunch of very small ones.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150403_133423_zps8lsfyeff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150403_133423_zps8lsfyeff.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I am underwhelmed</div>
<br />
Apparently they went with the small/many combo...<br />
<br />
But what do they taste like?<br />
<br />
Let me try one.... <br />
<br />
GRRRAAWWWWW!!!!!<br />
<br />
FLAVOR INTENSE AT FIRST BUT SOON LEAVE MOUTH HOLE. <br />
<br />
TINY TRIANGLES CRUNCHY AT FIRST<br />
<br />
SOON TURN TO MUSH!<br />
<br />
FEEL LIKE TEETH CLEANED WITH BAD DOG TREAT<br />
<br />
NOW ME THROAT ALL ITCHY<br />
<br />
ME NO LIKE MUSHY ITCHY TRIANGLES<br />
<br />
ME GIVE 2.3 OUT OF 5<br />
<br />
NO EAT AGAIN<br />
<br />Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-24304638589425707372015-02-06T12:53:00.001-08:002015-02-06T12:53:33.922-08:00I have beheld a more glorious dawn, and mine eyes can see to eternity...<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_125144_zpslvh95jpu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_125144_zpslvh95jpu.jpg" height="640" width="360" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">BEHOLD!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We've been together a while here, and we're starting to become familiar with some of the things that will make me hate your potato chips or other bagged snackfood. This may well be the snack that bucks the trend completely, so let's break it down. <br />
<br />
First and foremost, a bag that feels light or full of air will piss me off before I ever taste or smell your product. As we can see from the above photo, this thing is packed to the gills with goodness. Not a lot of ounces, but there is an inertia of snack when you shake the bag that makes it feel good in the hand. Secondly bad sign, it's that whole bullshit "contents may have settled" statement on the bag. Again, if you filled the damned thing there wouldn't be room for contents to settle. As seen above and below, this glory is full-on three-dimensional roughage that isn't going to collapse in on itself.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_125812_zpsprqjw3r1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_125812_zpsprqjw3r1.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There will be no "settling" here...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Like a said, no nancy pansy snacks here, these hold their own space and they are suitably sized (even compared to my paws and sausage fingers). Now, what's the other thing that pisses me off? That's right, too much Red Nuke Powder (RNP). We have a very very light sprinkling of RNP here, or so I thought and then I checked the ingredients. That's right kids, that's not RNP, that's real spices including honest to god Paprika. Fuck Yeah, we got a solid snackfood all up in this shit!<br /><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_125819_zpstr6plznf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_125819_zpstr6plznf.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Large crunchy portions</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now, what about those spices? How does that flavor grab you? I'll tell you, it grabs you pretty damned well. This crackling sidles up nice and smooth, lures you into a sense of comfort, and then locks a steel grip on your junk and proceeds to lift you off the ground by your scrotum! (do not try this at home) And you know what else? This is some crunchy shit right here! What do you want? You want some of this! This is a slab of pork flesh that has been fried so long that it puffs up like popcorn and solidifies like epoxy foam insulation. Your mouth will wish it could kiss itself so it can kiss you for being kind enough to let it eat some of this!<br /><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_130004_zpssmxqdqwt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_130004_zpssmxqdqwt.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Bite" size</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This amazing, crunchy, tasty, and sweet smelling bag-snack is a slap of pork-flavored awesome right up the side of your head! You're going to eat the hell out of these and you're going to like it, Francis! There is a great porkiness that is not overpowering, and they spices are reminiscent of a light barbecue sauce and there is some actual heat in there. It doesn't linger, and it is not oppressive, but there is still a great tingle in the back of the throat that lasts through the bag. Assuming that bag lasts long at all:<br /><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_131404_zpsqrogix2r.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150206_131404_zpsqrogix2r.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Good to the bottom of the bag</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
To recap:<div>
1) Full Bag</div>
<div>
2) No Settling</div>
<div>
3) No RNP</div>
<div>
4) Full Flavor</div>
<div>
5) Crunchy as Fuck</div>
<div>
6) MADE FROM REAL DEAD PIGS!!!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Final Rating: P16!/5.0</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go out barefoot in the snow and kill a bear with my own teeth and hands! RAWWR!!!<br /><br /></div>
Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-57725504694418867862015-02-02T09:56:00.000-08:002015-02-02T09:56:41.190-08:00Because I'm still not comfortable writing humorous essays about my personal problems...Well, here we are again. It's as good as being a snow day here at work, so you get this for your lunch-time reading enjoyment.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Last week, on Friday, I went into the grocery store and found two new bags that caught my eye. The Salt & Vinegar is not a "new" flavor, but if you believe the website this is the first time that Lay's has offered this particular combo.<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125844_zpsn6kmgcm6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125844_zpsn6kmgcm6.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a strangely attractive bag. Nice blue background, and a magic flask with alchemy ingredients.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Needless to say, I am a big fan of both salt and sour (being two of the main flavors my tongue can detect) so the prospect of trying them together has me really excited. So, bag one goes into the cart. Then I saw this hanging out on an end-cap, surrounded by "snacks" but not other chips. As if to say, I am better than the mere fried potatoes in this aisle, I am something more. It also says "Limited Edition" on the package, so that means I gotta do this now or the chance my never come again. Right? </div>
<div>
<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125634_zpsjdp9uytz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125634_zpsjdp9uytz.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I could have bought a huge bag of chips and a Hershey bar for this. . .</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now, I have to not only eat my usual pair of roller-dogs for lunch, and drink a ridiculously large (and completely necessary) soda, but also eat TWO bags of chips! However will I manage to stuff all this in my gullet?<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125858_zpsiurjbzz9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125858_zpsiurjbzz9.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Contents may have settled" = We lied about how much you're actually going to get.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Oh, apparently I don't have to make up that much room... At least the chocolate ones will be bulky, right?</div>
<div>
<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125945_zpstbyxtih1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125945_zpstbyxtih1.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We couldn't be bothered to coat both sides...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It seems I am being groomed for a lifetime of disappointment. Also, who the hell coats anything with chocolate these days without either doing 1) just one side, or 2) complete shell? Seriously, it's like the neighborhood bake-sale committee needed to fill out the table and so they asked your Aunt, who lives like her idol Joanna Lumley from AbFab, to make something. She got bored with the idea after half a box of wine and just used the chocolate fountain from her 3rd marriage to haphazardly dip some store-brand wavy chips and then throw them on a wire rack to cool. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's like, what if you had only 2 ingredients to make a dessert on Cutthroat Kitchen, but you already bought enough sabotages that your competition is unable to do anything? You watch the other contestant crumble into a complete train-wreck and all you have to do is bring anything to the table and collect your winnings. It might look like these chips with their half-ass chocolate coating.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I was going to go for a third rambling description of how lazy these are, but I only have a little more effort in me than the people who made the chips.</div>
<div>
<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125914_zpsoxafyt5o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_125914_zpsoxafyt5o.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Only the finest Idaho Russets for your crisps!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Back to the salty pirate. Large chips are good, but they need to be more than paper-thin. These chips were new and fresh (and tasty for what they are) but they just shatter in the mouth and are quickly rendered to powder with no fanfare. I really can't overstate how much better a crispy kettle-cooked chip is to these lame-ass old-school flats. Why still make these? Nostalgia? Nostalgia cannot magically make the texture of these chips not suck.<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_130002_zps9gvws3z0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_130002_zps9gvws3z0.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This looks like the dry dog turd I peeled off the tread of my sneaker.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Back to Patsy's party chips: This is the chip's good side, do not turn over. This was the moment, I was going to experience chippy bliss in a chocolate overcoat. Or not. The chocolate is barely like magic shell, except it apparently stays solid in the store up to just under body temperature. I now have chocolate marks on my pants from just touching these (or looking at them for more than a few seconds). I think they would liquefy if I just breathed heavily on them. The result is a messy chip covered in crappy chocolate, where the chocolate has robbed the chip of any crispiness it may once have held and replaced it with a dull cardboard rigidity. No crunch, but at least it's not complete mush.</div>
<div>
<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_130025_zpsqf0eh7zd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_130025_zpsqf0eh7zd.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lies, all lies...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Children hate adults because this is what they call magic. My only saving grace is that each of these mediocre snacks was far enough apart on opposite spectrums that sampling back and forth made for an interesting point, counterpoint on my tongue.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_130052_zps9l3ehqam.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150130_130052_zps9l3ehqam.jpg" height="640" width="360" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mistakes were made...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In the end, I will not buy either of these again by themselves, or together. The chocolate chips are a gimmick that is poorly executed and the S&V are just too insubstantial to bother with when there are better chips out there of the same flavor.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Overall Ratings:</div>
<div>
Choco-flops: 2.22/5.0<br />Salt and whinegar: 2.5/5.0<br /><br /></div>
Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-25479217887237236512015-01-12T13:30:00.003-08:002015-01-12T13:30:58.943-08:00My failure to create meaningful content has resulted in another snackfood review...<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: 18pt; margin-bottom: 1.2pt; margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.75in;">
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9.5pt;"><span style="color: white;">Interviewer: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand
when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, it’s crawling
toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back. The
tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs
trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not
helping. Why is that?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: 18pt; margin-bottom: 1.2pt;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Subject: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A TURTLE BIT ME ONCE… </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9.5pt;"><30 seconds of
silence><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: 18pt; margin-bottom: 1.2pt;">
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9.5pt;"><span style="color: white;">Interviewer: Describe in single words, only the good
things that come into your mind about your mother.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: 18pt; margin-bottom: 1.2pt;">
<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 9.5pt;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Subject: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MECHANICAL, COLD, RENDING</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: 18pt; margin-bottom: 1.2pt; margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.75in;">
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9.5pt;"><span style="color: white;">Interviewer:
You're watching a stage play - a banquet is in progress. The guests are
enjoying an appetizer of raw oysters. The entree consists of boiled dog stuffed
with rice. The raw oysters are less acceptable to you than a dish of boiled
dog.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: 18pt; margin-bottom: 1.2pt;">
<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 9.5pt;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Subject: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">DUE TO MY INORAGNIC CONSTRUCTION I DO NOT
REQUIRE BIOLOGICAL NUTRIENTS</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: 18pt; margin-bottom: 1.2pt; margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.75in;">
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9.5pt;"><span style="color: white;">Interviewer:
A final question: A stranger
comes up to you on the street and hands you a bag of Sabritones Chile &
Lime Flavored Puffed Wheat Snacks. How
does this make you feel?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: 18pt; margin-bottom: 1.2pt;">
<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 9.5pt;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Subject: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I LOVE SABRITONES THEY ARE AN EXCELLENT SNACK
FOOD</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: 18pt; margin-bottom: 1.2pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black; font-size: 13px;">Interviewer: I'm sorry Leon, but you have failed this Exam. . . </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150112_125546_zpsmwzl9xbb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150112_125546_zpsmwzl9xbb.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a really big bag, but it weighs barely over 3 oz....</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I learned today that if you run out of stupid shit to write about in your blog, and you're still not ready to dredge up the dark recesses of your soul, you might as well go to another stuffer shack to see if they have different snacks than the usual place that you get your rollerdogs.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150112_125619_zpstsex7fvb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150112_125619_zpstsex7fvb.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look for the smiley logo, as warning.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I almost gave up on today before I saw these on the opposite side of the store from the normal snacks, nestled in what I can only refer to as the "ethnic section". Apparently these were segregated out to accommodate the number of "not-white" construction workers that patronize this particular stuffer shack out by I-80. It was surrounded by Takai's and "other" snacks of a similar nature. (oddly enough the Nachos were very centrally located near the rollerdogs) I cannot confirm nor deny that they also have a colored fountain drink machine...<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150112_125641_zpseke19ixh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150112_125641_zpseke19ixh.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Remarkably air filled for such an already airy snack.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Of course, once I opened the bag I realized that the segregation of snacks was in no way related to some flawed back-woods mentality on the value of race, but purely so they could not taint the other snacks with their awfulness.(it also explains the DINAMITA bags over there) When I first opened this I seriously thought I had a mispackaged bag of pork rinds.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150112_125654_zpsra0lder0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150112_125654_zpsra0lder0.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They're all like this, slightly curled formerly square puffed fried blistery whatsits.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
However, my hope at pork rinds would soon be shattered by putting one in my mouth. They are not pork rinds. They are also not chips, crisps, puffs, corn-chips, or anything else I've ever encountered. The closest I could come is that time I ate on a dare some of those puffed starch biodegradable packing peanuts they used back in the late 90's (or might still use today, I haven't been in receiving for awhile). But that's not really accurate either, as they do have a bit of crunch to them. Almost as though you described to a being not of this earth what your imagined memory of a pork rind was. It crunches, and then immediately shatters into powder. This powder then sucks all the moisture out of your mouth to make a vaguely gritty slurry that isn't so much swallowed as allowed to slowly ooze out the back of your mouth.<br />
<br />
The flavor is bland. Ironically, it's like they tried to make Red Nuke Powder, but couldn't find enough food coloring or harsh chemicals to make the RNP really pop. Weak flavor, horrible texture and a heaping helping of self loathing; this may be the worst thing I've ever reviewed for this blog. At least Cracker Jacks had a shitty prize and some sugar...<br />
<br />
Rating: 0.95/5.0 and dear god don't try to eat these while drinking coffee, you might wish you could vomit from the aftertaste...Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-16821985656142677552015-01-02T10:17:00.001-08:002015-01-02T10:18:03.388-08:00Post Xmas binge. . .It is entirely possible that this whole snack-food review thing has finally driven me completely insane. I looked at the nutritional information and the total calories involved is in the thousands.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, without further ado, here is your gut-distressing Holiday Bonus Episode! <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204046_zps3gvwnkci.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204046_zps3gvwnkci.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, these were all in my cupboard at the same time, don't judge me...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Starring: All the crap I've bought from Trader Joe's since Thanksgiving! Most of these are now perennial favorites in my gullet. I have to eat these myself as others in the household won't really touch them. Something about "Karbs" and not liking ginger. (Who doesn't like Ginger? It's like eating lemon Pledge!) This review gives me the opportunity to reduce some of the clutter in the cupboard by gorging myself on things that are best consumed in moderation.<br />
<br />
Let's start off with this big bad boy right here:<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204203_zps22j5m9ms.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204203_zps22j5m9ms.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This product is a few bad innuendos from a Xmas-themed porn title...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<b>Trader Joe's brand Pound Plus</b> imported Belgian chocolate bars are a great buy for when you want to make several gallons of chocolate mousse, or you want to bribe a child for their college money. (kids are dumb, get 'em young enough and they'll give you their own parents for a hunk of chocolate.) This is a special case, however, and comes packed with "extras".</div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204156_zps1bvyvy29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204156_zps1bvyvy29.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">None of that nut-dust in this chocolate bar; you'll be getting all the big salty nuts you can stomach, and some fruit!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
As can be seen above, this 17.6 oz slab of dark chocolate comes packed to the gills with almonds and dried cranberries. Now, normally I will tell tried cranberries to fuck off, as they are the mildly less awful relative to raisins, but in this case the tart fruit is a very nice accent to this much solidified blood of cacao. I'm also a sucker for almonds, perhaps my favorite tree nut in general, especially if you smoke 'em or cover them in some sort of wasabi powder. But I digress... This makes for an interesting combo of adjunct added chocolate bar you can eat one small square at a time. DO NOT EAT THE ENTIRE BAR IN ONE SITTING, YOU WILL DIE!!!</div>
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<div>
Score: 10 Lords a Leaping/12 days of Xmas</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Next is Trader Joe's brand Brandy Beans</b></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204348_zpsyripgyo0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204348_zpsyripgyo0.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These come in individually chambered trays for your protection...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
I never bought these for myself before this year as I wasn't sure what I would be getting, nor that I wanted to put it in my mouth. However, my mother has made a holiday tradition of buying roughly 5 large crates of these and handing them out to people at work, friends, family, strangers on the street... Anyway, after trying one (or a dozen) last year, I decided to buy a box. You get what you see on the box here, there are hollow chocolate "beans" and they are packed to the gills with a syrup that smells and tastes like cheap brandy. It actually says on the box that it may contain up to 4.9% alcohol, so by volume these have about as much punch as a standard beer. I'm sure there is some lunatic on the internet who wants to be on Mythbusters and is trying to prove you could get drunk on these if you ate enough of them fast enough. I do not want to be on vomit duty for that set clean-up. . . </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204354_zps44zhro8p.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204354_zps44zhro8p.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This stuff is so sticky on fingers I'm surprised it's not already covered in cat hair...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
This is one of those weird things that tastes "good" because you aren't expecting to actually get a shot of booze in your mouth when you bite chocolate. It's the surprise that keeps you coming back for more. This is why I've had these for a month and I've only eaten about 7. Eating more than 2 or 3 at once is not advised as they lose their charm quickly. Also, just put the whole thing in your mouth and eat it. If you try to break this thing or bite off pieces you're just going to get covered in boozy syrup that is the culinary equivalent of super-glue. Nothing you can touch with those fingers will be unaffected by that sugary Velcro. This is a treat best utilized in a group of people who can eat them all so you don't have to do it yourself later. DO NOT EAT THE WHOLE BOX YOURSELF, YOU WILL DIE!!!</div>
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<div>
Rating: 6 geese a laying/12 days of Xmas</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Trader Joe's Mini Gingerbread Men:</b></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204455_zpsd6wzrdbb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204455_zpsd6wzrdbb.jpg" height="640" width="360" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, yes, my pretties, you will sate my hunger for ginger flesh...</td></tr>
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I am a lazy man sometimes and I can't be bothered to actually get out the baking implements every time I want a cookie. Also, in general, I think ginger bread is only good for building shitty houses that you will try to store and display next year. But the capacity for sugar to pull moisture out of the air and the activity of vermin will require you to bake and construct again next year lest you display a half-eaten, collapsed edifice to last years consumerism... Long story short, just open a damned box of pre-made snacks and leave the culinary construction to Martha Stewart.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204459_zpsb3qehdzn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204459_zpsb3qehdzn.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Anthropomorphized man-cookie on the front, heroin infused icing on the back...</td></tr>
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These cookies are fresh and crunchy coming out of the cellophane and have a nice sharp ginger twang. In fact, there are actual small bits of candied ginger in the cookies, not just ground powder. However, now that these have been open for a couple weeks they have for a while been at the more desirable stage I like to call, "everybody thinks they're stale, but I know they're now softer and chewy." Through design or folly, I end up buying at least 2 boxes of these every Xmas season, and will likely buy a third if there are any left when I go to buy sparkling water next Wednesday. DO NOT EAT THE ENTIRE BOX, YOU WILL NOT DIE BUT PROBABLY GET A BELLY ACHE OR SOMETHING, MAYBE DIABETES.</div>
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Rating: 9 Ladies Dancing/12 days of Xmas</div>
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<b>Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Stars:</b></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204546_zpskdqsi6xn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204546_zpskdqsi6xn.jpg" height="640" width="360" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If your holiday snacking is a Lovecraftian God, these are your Elder Signs.</td></tr>
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I'm make this short and sweet. These are very dense dark chocolate star-shaped cookies that are completely covered in dark chocolate and sprinkles. You will like these, you will eat too many, you will suck the ends off your fingers when you've finished.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204552_zpsdht5gsmx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204552_zpsdht5gsmx.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look on this and despair, these are the destroyers of diets...</td></tr>
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They are not fantastic, they are adequate. They have that quality of Nilla Wafers wherein you think fondly upon them until you eat one, then you realize they're kind of bland and crackerish. But they get sweeter as the enzymes in your saliva go to work on them, and soon you've shoved about a dozen into your face. There is a obscene factory-like progression of the cookie from being whole at the front of your mouth, broken down by bicuspids, then to the grinding molars at the back of your jaw, and the thick semi-solid mass that nearly blocks the back of your maw before involuntary muscle-spasms push this black slurry down your esophagus...</div>
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DO NOT EAT THE WHOLE BOX YOURSELF, YOU WILL DIE (HAPPY).</div>
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Rating: 8 Maids a Milking/12 Days of Xmas</div>
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<b>Trader Joe's Candy Cane Joe-Joe's:</b></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204632_zps3ztxsl3v.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204632_zps3ztxsl3v.jpg" height="640" width="360" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a happy looking box and it wants you to be happy, too!</td></tr>
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Okay, so, Trader Joe's has a lot of products that are supposed to remind you of other products you already like but these TJ-branded knock-offs try to sell you on being more healthy or some shit. This a complete bull, as there is no such thing as a "healthy" cookie or ice-cream that is worth eating or paying money for. That being said, TJ's Joe-Joe's just suck. They look like Oreos, and they smell and taste vaguely like Oreos, but THEY ARE NOT FUCKING OREOS!!! You eat one and your tongue, nose and brain all instantly come to the consensus that you've made a mistake; like when you're expecting a refreshing Coke but you've been handed a dixie-cup of store-brand "cola" instead. </div>
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Back on the home team, Oreo has been on this kick the last couple of years to make all these different flavored Oreos instead of just sticking with what worked, or what double worked with double stuffed. Now, occasionally these are "interesting" and they are enjoyable to eat, but they are not "sit down and eat the bag because they're Oreos". So you have a couple pumpkin spice Oreo cookies and then you're done, now you have to pawn 9/10ths of a bag off on someone else. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204645_zpsmuxkd9v0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20150101_204645_zpsmuxkd9v0.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Remember that time you ate a whole bag of Oreos? Prepare for a flashback...</td></tr>
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However, things are a little bizarre here. These are the Candy Cane Joe-Joe's. But wait, a flavored Oreo knock-off, these have to really suck, right? Wrong. To put it simply, they have beat Oreo at their own game. For you see, these are infinitely better than the regular Joe-Joe's. This is what Oreo could be if they ground up candy-canes into a coarse sand and mixed it with their filling. So, in a paradoxical way this cookie is both failure and success. For this seasonal variation is so much better than the normal version as to make you really wonder why you would ever buy the normal Joe-Joe's again; but at the same time they have schooled Oreo at their own game. Here is a bag of "flavored" Oreo-like cookies that cannot be denied entrance to the palace of my upper GI tract. </div>
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I say bag, but we all know the bag is just the wrapping and the cookies are in trays. Conveniently, there are three rows in the tray, as there are likely three visits to the bag before they're gone. You can try to just take 2 or 3 cookies at a time, but you'll eat those before you get back to your seat, so you might as well pick out the entire row and make an effort of it. These also benefit from being left open for a couple days, as the cookie part gets softer and makes it so much more efficient to grind into a paste and reduce the choking hazard as you deepthroat a stack. DO NOT EAT AN ENTIRE BAG, <span style="font-size: x-small;">(because I already did....)</span></div>
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Rating: 11 Pipers Piping/12 days of Xmas</div>
Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-30584254650860377552014-12-22T11:46:00.000-08:002014-12-22T11:46:24.463-08:00Pre-Xmas Snackfood Blowout!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Hello darkness my old friend</div>
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I've come to eat bags of chips again</div>
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Because of flavors softly creeping</div>
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Onto my tongue and I am weeping</div>
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And a sickness that is lodged into my brain</div>
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Still compels</div>
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With the burn of Red Nuke Powder....</div>
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<b>FUNYUNS!?! Again?!?</b></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20141205_125306_zpsgcgrfknl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20141205_125306_zpsgcgrfknl.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I bet you know where this gets its 'color' from...</td></tr>
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Chile Limon Funyuns. . . Let's be honest, these were better than expected. There were, however, liberally powdered with RNP and that funky chemical acidic twang. The Chile and the Limon if you will. Overall you end up with a nice zing on top of the rock-solid funyon flavor, and not too much RNP to make them inedible.</div>
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Overall, I'll be generous and say 2.75/5.0</div>
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<b>Fritos Honey BBQ Flavor Twists</b></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20141215_131054_zpsszejffa4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20141215_131054_zpsszejffa4.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mmmm, open my bag and dump me into your maw until my spices get lodged in the back<br /> of your throat and you start hacking like a cat with a hairball....</td></tr>
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I for one welcome our old corn chip overlords... As I ate these I realized that the coating on these fantastically crunchy spirals is in a way the progenitor of the Red Nuke Powder we've all come to love and fear. Strange then, that I so fondly remember this snack food. Obviously, the coating on these dense and super crunchy corn chips is not as overwhelming or obnoxious as RNP. I would also like to add a side-bitch about BBQ chips of any kind never actually tasting like barbecue at all, but like BBQ sauce. Were I to wrest control of some chip empire from the weak I would immediately make all Barbecue chips under my control taste as much like slow smoked pork-butt as chemically possible. BBQ sauce is a sickly sweet miasma you spread over either over or under cooked meat in which you want to hide your failure as a pit man. (/rant)</div>
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These are still my go to snack food when my brain literally takes a dump on me and I can't pick (and there's nothing new to try). Solid, crunchy, dense, satisfying and flavorful without being overpowering.</div>
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Yee-Haw 4.0/5.0</div>
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<b>Munchies</b></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20141222_125103_zpskksmswey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20141222_125103_zpskksmswey.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What madness lies within this festive bag?</td></tr>
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Okay, this one I actually ate today and I didn't die, ...yet. These just threw me for a loop from the moment I opened the bag. The bag suggests these may contain RNP, but I was relieved to see that the color on the front was mostly from the Cheetos and their orange pseudo-cheese dusting. There is a very faint bite from the "jalapeno" part of the cheddar, and the cheddar part comes mostly from the Cheetos and whatever scant flavor silt has fallen off them and the Doritos. Speaking of Doritos:</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20141222_125520_zpsiv6agh0b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/20141222_125520_zpsiv6agh0b.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These are the the most adorable chips ever seen by human eyes...</td></tr>
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This is intended to look like a snack mix your friend's mom would make in a big popcorn bowl so you boys can chew on something while you play SNES and grabass. Obviously you're not going to get much variety if you used full sized chips, so they've been miniaturized to give the illusion of either freakishly giant hands, or an overflowing cornucopia of snack food variety. The result is that every grab in the bag is going to yield at least a piece of every type of chip in the bag. I know there were tiny pretzels in here but they seemed to slide off my mind whenever I tried to think about how they tasted. As a result, I'm sure there were little pretzels in there, but I don't remember eating any and they seemed to vaguely flavor the whole bag with a foundation of pretzelness. This is not a bad thing, but an interesting choice on the part of Frito-Lay.</div>
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Very satisfying if benign: 3.25/5.00</div>
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Huzzah! I got through a whole review without fucking swearing!</div>
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Merry Christmas!</div>
<br />Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-77822588532993132432014-12-05T14:03:00.001-08:002014-12-05T14:03:31.095-08:00In which I throw social media under the bus and make you sad...We're dealing with a lot of shit lately. Not just me, or my loved ones, but everybody everywhere; 2014 has been a hard year. This post is not intended to make anybody on any of my social media outlets feel guilty, and it is <i>not a plea for help</i>. This is just me making an observation about how many of our lives work in the age of modern technology. It is also, unfortunately, a post in which I will also reveal myself to be a hypocrite about the thing I'm going to bitch about.<br />
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Modern day social media, especially Facebook, is a prophylaxis for genuine social interaction and rendering aid to others in their time of need.<br />
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In days of yore, you'd hear news of a friend or family member who had become ill, or whose house had burned down, or some member of their family had passed away and you would feel sad or an urge to help. To show this person that you cared for them you would put pen to real paper and write a letter of condolence, or bake up a box of cookies to send, or if you lived close enough you would just call upon their house and spend real physical time with that person. We as a society don't really do this anymore, myself included. We see the tragedy that has befallen our fellows and we experience it through the lens of status updates and twitter feeds. Sick parent? "thinking of you". Survived car accident? "Like". Lost limb in farming accident? "High five dude, I'll buy you a beer next time I'm in town."<br />
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We say we care, we even write reassuring thoughts as comments, but few do anything to actually help. This is not to say that there is anything that can be done in many situations. Obviously, if someone loses a family member you cannot run to their house and magically will them back to life; nor can you undo the trauma of accident or disease. But just being there for someone is helpful in its own way. Being available for a person can make all the difference in the world. Is your friend sick? Maybe instead of well wishes you could send a card in the mail, or try hand writing a letter to them? If you're close by, offer to bring them some soup. More importantly, if you go on someone's status update or in chat or whatnot and you offer them help, you had better be able willing to actually help. Nothing will break a friendship or damage a family dynamic like offering help and then when asked for it saying that you're too busy right now. This goes the other way as well. For those who are honestly offering their assistance to you in your time of need, if you think you might at all need the help you should take them up on the offer. Letting someone help you not only lessens your burden, but can make them feel like they were able to actually do something in an otherwise unfixable situation.<br />
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As some of you know, we have been going through a rough patch this year. Someone close to us has been fighting for their life all year and it has been very taxing for all of us in all aspects of our lives. Our time, finances, health and emotions have all been strained or are already in tatters. We have been making a lot of posts online, not just to inform, but also in a way to lean on our groups and friends lists for support as we navigate these bitter waters. But no matter how much we post online, and no matter how much response we get to those posts, sometimes we still feel alone. There have been many lonely dark times in the small hours of the morning. Don't get me wrong, I am just as culpable for my own loneliness precisely because I haven't reached out to friends and family as much as I should be. Having an unexpected lunch with my mother and sister this week I could see the worry in their eyes. I could also see the relief that came from seeing that things, while bad, were not so dire as had been imagined. <br />
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So, reach out to your friends and family! A direct text is so much better than a status update, an actual phone call is so much more real than a text. In the last 10 or so months that this has been going on we have had almost no help. Yes, there was a fund-raiser which was very successful, but I'm talking about one-to-one interaction. Aside from close family and some few exceptions, nobody has just "dropped by" to check on us. No care packages, no cards, no letters, and no time given. Nobody has just shown up to be with us, even for an hour. Nobody not already intimately involved with this scenario has just offered time, even if we sat in silence, to show that we are not alone.<br />
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All we get is "Thinking of you", "Hang in there!"<br />
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*Like*<br />
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<br />Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-66821120894372699292014-11-21T13:07:00.000-08:002014-11-21T13:07:02.531-08:00Do I really have nothing else to write about?Doritos "Jacked" Spicy Street Taco. . .<br />
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Jacked. . .<br />
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Taco. . .<br />
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meh<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02839_zpskqvxcqea.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02839_zpskqvxcqea.jpg" height="400" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Doesn't this bag just say, "Eat Me!"?</td></tr>
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What can I say that hasn't been said? There is a lot of Red Nuke Powder on these. Way more than necessary. They are also so predictable yet forgettable that I had to buy and eat two bags to remember what the hell I was going to write. Even now, I'm only putting fingers to keyboard out of insane boredom during my afternoon break. I had the first bag over 2 weeks ago, took these photos and then didn't write a review. Last week I remembered <i>not writing</i> a review but couldn't think of anything to say. Then today I realized I hadn't posted anything lately; no chips reviews or weird dreams or depressing stories of my youth for 3 weeks. So I said to myself, "what the hell can I say about Doritos JACKED Spicy Street Taco flavored corn tortilla chips?" (I actually did not say this outloud, but bear with me.)<br />
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So, as I was rushing back to the office at the end of my lunch and stopping by a stuffer-shack on the way to get some savory roller-dog action, I saw once again on the shelf a bag of DORITOS JACKED SPICY STREET TACO.... mocking me in its immemorable assault on my senses. I realized then that this bag of Red Nuke Powder-covered monstrosities was not going to do me over again. So I bought something else entirely.<br />
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Perhaps this is the best way to review a chip/snack/thingy. What are the impressions of this oppressive equilateral triangle of corn meal weeks after our initial run-in? First, these things are huge. I don't know what Doritos is compensating for, but these are big and thick and good fucking luck getting a whole one in your mouth.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02840_zpsu3yvkrqg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02840_zpsu3yvkrqg.jpg" height="400" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ridiculous man-hand for scale...</td></tr>
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Secondly, as I stated above, they are absolutely doused in Red Nuke Powder (RNP<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">™). Who invented this stuff? It's on everything and it is not welcome. From now on I am instituting an automatic rating reduction for the addition of </span>RNP<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">™ to the product. The flavor on first bite is very vaguely taco-ish, but the goddamned </span>RNP<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">™ soon turns this bag of snack food into a gauntlet of mock-pain. It doesn't really hurt and doesn't really get "hot", but the combo of whateverthefuck chemicals in the </span>RNP<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">™ makes your mouth <i>think</i> it is on fire for a least 5 minutes after you stop chewing. I'm sure I'm now in the early stages of throat cancer or something. </span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">And yet, I ate the whole bag. Twice. What does that say for my personality? Why can't I just throw away a bag of bad chips? And why the hell would I buy two bags?</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
I couldn't give this any better than 2.5/5 but then I looked at the low bar set by previous posts and these were not better than Funyuns, no matter how much RNP<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">™ was involved, so we'll adjust it down to 1.99/whatever.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">But Wait! There's More!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I could see how, perhaps, my cathartic word vomit here is helping me to be a better person, so I will regale you with another tale of bag-fail. Instead of buying the dorootoos jooked spoocy stroot toocoo again I went for some lighter fair today:</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02872_zpst20rr2uy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02872_zpst20rr2uy.jpg" height="400" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">New product, different brand, lighter bag...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Yes, some Lay's Potato Chips! Pico <i>de</i> Gallo "Flavored" chips! We're not talking GRRRRR-ARGH IN YO FACE ADVERBS IN PRODUCT NAME snacks, just some nice. . .simple. . . chips. . . </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02873_zpsrnijgwmn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02873_zpsrnijgwmn.jpg" height="400" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">WTF MOAR RED NUKE POWDER?!?!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
GOD DAMMIT!!! Why am I being Punished!?!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, now we've got a competitor brand of a different "flavor" that actually tastes very similar to the DJ-SST, it has less RNP<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif; font-size: small;">™ (but still way too much), and all of this on a flimsy chip that is less satisfying that biting through an unflavored rice-cake. Seriously, these have no substance to them at all. It's like you sprinkled really really shitty instant tomato soup powder over a bowl of old communion wafers. (if you've never "gone catholic", just imagine crunching into a millimeter thick disk of quick </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">dissolving</span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif; font-size: small;"> starch packing-peanut material)</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">And the flavor just gets muddied and undifferentiated and soggy and insubstantial and everything just tastes worse and worse until you just wish Flanders was dead. . . </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">Seriously, fuckit. In the trash. I will no longer subject myself to other people's mistakes. You may have tricked me out of money, but you won't get my anguish to sweeten the deal.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">Rating: FU!/5.0</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-10960519421116945402014-10-31T14:08:00.001-07:002014-10-31T14:08:52.008-07:00Finally, a practical reviewSo, here we are.<br />
<br />
It's Friday.<br />
<br />
It is Halloween.<br />
<br />
Here, at last, is a truly useful review for all of us:<br />
<br />
Equate Antacid Tablets<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02817_zpswvyjn8da.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02817_zpswvyjn8da.jpg" height="640" width="474" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can pick one of these bad boys up for less that 4 bucks at your local Wally World</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As you can see, they fill the hand nicely. The package feels heavy for its size. This is not surprising since the contents are more or less powdered rocks, but still reassuring.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The texture is, in a word, chalky. They chew rather easily and it is very easy to imagine yourself as the rock-eater from Neverending Story. The flavor is strong without being overpowering. It definitely leaves a fresh minty feeling in the mouth. I quick inhale over teeth and tongue after swallowing will give you a great freeze-rush in the mouth.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
These are not the full size tablets you may be accustomed to in a TUMS 1000 or similar. But I find that this smaller and thinner tablet makes it easier to dose when you don't need 2 or 3 of the big guys. They're also much larger than the pocket rolls of Rolaids. These are the nickels to those quarters and dimes.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But do they work? Absolutely! I find I am getting almost instantaneous relief as soon as I swallow. I will say that there is some chemical reactions at work here once it reaches your stomach. Gas is the first thing I usually notice (have you ever put baking soda and vinegar together?). Furthermore, don't chase these with a slurp of Coke. You may find that you lose esophageal integrity and get some backflow into your head.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Rating: 500mg out of 5.00<br /><br /></div>
Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-15162727417264390362014-10-27T11:37:00.002-07:002014-10-27T11:39:27.557-07:00I Hate Myself and Want to Die. . . Today I will be reviewing the Doritos brand DINAMITA Fiery Habanero because I am an idiot.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02806_zps88rnlhvk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02806_zps88rnlhvk.jpg" height="400" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I find the purple accents quite appealing. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As some of you who have read previous posts will know, for some reason I am a sucker for the tightly rolled corn-chip snack phenomena. I think this stems from my noticing them everywhere. It is now far easier to find one of these spice rolled chip snacks than traditional corn-chips. Even Frito's are hard to find in their pure form, being composed now mostly of twists and scoops. A quick mental count of the corn-chips available at this stuffer shack today showed 7 varieties of DINAMITA and TAKIS and only 3 Frito's. Since the last two reviews were less than spectacular I felt compelled to continue sampling until I figured out why this style of snack was growing in popularity.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, let's open a bag. The aroma is subtle at first, I have to put my nose right up to the bag before I can smell the corn-chippy smell and a twang of spice before, I. . . *ACHOO!!!* Okay, that was unexpected.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02808_zpsj52yiftz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02808_zpsj52yiftz.jpg" height="296" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Like a orange-tinted log-jam spilling out of the mouth of hell.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The bag is 4oz, which seems pretty standard for a corn-chip snack (notably more than most potato chips at 2.25oz). The bag is also slightly smaller than some others, making it seem fuller. The very first thing that I notice is that these are not completely caked in Red Nuke-Powder as the last two varieties were (and the FunYuns). They're still pretty bright orange from that red dust over yellow corn-chip, but not the deep red that leads to permanent lip and finger staining.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02809_zpsvtwfwwib.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02809_zpsvtwfwwib.jpg" height="400" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It is by the Red Nuke Powder<br />
that lips acquire stains<br />
the stains become a warning<br />
it is by will alone I set my mind in motion...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Okay, let's actually eat one. <br />
<div>
The flavor is the standard corn-chip meal. Very crunchy, mostly dry, really sets the saliva rolling. The spice is nice, very hot sauce + Dorito. There is actually some heat here! It creeps up on you at first, and you can feel it working down the back of your throat. Very nice, these are actually the best rolled corn-chip snack I've had yet. They're ver- AHHHhhh!!! WTF?!? Wooooooo!!!! *COUGH* What The HELL, Give Me Something to Drink!!!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
*Ahem* as I said, it creeps up on you. This is especially the case if you start munching through the bag. (Also, don't inhale while chewing...) When you eat a single *ACHOO* chili you only get the capsaicin in that chili and then the effect wears off. However when you eat a product like this which is dusted *slurps soda* with Habanero Red Nuke Powder, the effect is cumulatory. At some point you'll get 1/2 way through the bag and the mouth heat reaches a crescendo of pain, and you- GRAAAANNGGGHHHH!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
AT LAST I AM FREE!!!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<text>I͜͞ ̀҉C͏̷̧O͢Ḿ̸E ̷̡̕F̕ROM͢ A̶̵͞N͢ ̸͢A̶̵͘N̡̢͝C̸Ì̴E̷̸͟N̵T̀ ̵̢͜Ļ̸A̷̧N̢̛͘D̛͠͝ ̵̧T̵̵O҉ Ẁ̨͜R͡E͟͜C̀͢Ķ ̶HÁV̶̢̛ǪC̢͢ ́͞U҉P̷̡͠O͢N ͢͞T̢͘H̢E͟͡ ̧W͏O̷̧͘R͠L̵̕D̶͏.̡̛</text><br />
<text>̡́</text><br />
<text>̛͟͟SÈ͘E̸̵̡K ̴SH͝E̛͘͏L̸T́E͏͢͞R̴̵̡ M̢̀O͡R͝T̀A̡̡̨L̸̛ ̸͞FOR̀ ҉̸͜I̕ ̢̕A҉̸͟M̵̷͠ ҉H̵E̸ W͞H͏̨̡O͡ RĘ̵̀Ń̶DS͘ ̴̸̧S̷͝Ǫ̀UL̵S̵͜͡ ̢Į̕Ǹ̴̸T̷͞O̧ A͘͟͞ ̴̧N̢̕I҉͢C͞E̵̕͢ ̧̡̧C̷Á͏K̀E ̵̛͡B҉̧Ą҉͟T̸͜ŢE҉̴R ̛̛̕F̢̢́O̷̢R̴ ͟D҉̸ES̕S̶͝E̸̵͘R̸͡T̷</text><br />
<text>̀</text><br />
<text>͡T̷̡HE ͠F̸̴͢I̡͜RE̡S̷͞ ҉̛O̵̕͞F̴̀ ̵̛H͏̶E̷L͜L̶̨ ͜͢S̵H̡A̕LL̕͜ ̛́B̡͝A͠K͏̧E ̸҉T̛H̴̨̛E̴E ̸͞A͘T̷͞ ̕͜3͝͏50 ̨̛͝F̧̛ÓR͞ ́A͘҉B̵̀OUT̴̡͟ A̶͡Ņ ̨͟͜H̴O̵̢̨Ù̡͢R̴͜</text><br />
<text>̴͘</text><br />
<text>̴͟L̕͟É͘T҉̛ ̷COO̶͢͞L̶̢̛ AND͏̨̢ ͘F̧̛R͏̡OS҉̵͠T̛ ̀͟Ẁ̵I̢T͜͝H͘͞͝ ̶͟͢TH̕E͞ T͟E̶͡A̸Ŗ̵̛S͞ ̶̀O͡͡F͝ T͘H͜͢E͡ ́͢͢Í͢͢ŅN̶̷̨O̧C̴̢EN͡T͘</text><br />
<text>̀</text><br />
<text>̵͠S̸͠E̴R̶͡VE͝R̴ ͏́͏C̡̀Ơ͢L̢D̀,̶͞ ̷͘W̢̕Į̵T̕Ḩ ̡͢R͏͠E̛̛̕V̧E͞ŃG̛̕É̢͡!҉̷!̢͜!̡͏͜</text></div>
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<div>
<br /></div>
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<div>
RATING: Fahrenheit 4.51/5.00</div>
</div>
Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-35659225870017200762014-10-24T13:02:00.001-07:002014-10-24T13:02:16.063-07:00Fun + Onions = Funyuns?Before we even start here, why the hell does every "hot" chip/snack now have to be completely covered in hyper-red finger and pants-staining flavor nuke powder? It's like all chips/cheesepuffs/snacks need to come with a pair of disposable chopsticks for me to maintain my not red-handed dignity. But I digress...<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Flamin' Hot Funyuns! </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02785_zpsmcnmwlyz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02785_zpsmcnmwlyz.jpg" height="640" width="473" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hank Green is not impressed...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I honestly can't remember the last time I had regular Funyuns, so when I saw these I immediately thought, "New Blog Post!" Actually, I think that a lot lately. I hope this doesn't degenerate into <a href="http://youtu.be/xy56zzVAaJc">LA Beast</a> territory...<br />
<br />
So, when I saw these sitting on the rack at the stuffer shack I knew I wasn't getting out of buying some. As with many non-chip-shaped snacks lately, they are in an air-filled bag and tend to settle to the bottom. The over-inflated bag is actually a safety feature which keeps the individual rings/sticks/orbs from being crushed to a powder from rough handling by being its own airbag. That being said, there was a disappointingly meager volume of actual snack laying at the bottom of the bag.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02787_zpsilj7uyaa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02787_zpsilj7uyaa.jpg" height="400" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Forced perspective makes my hand look even bigger than it normally is.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The whole bag weighed out at 2 3/8th oz or, at $1.49 a bag, just over $10 per pound. I think to put snacks in perspective we should all think price per pound; I bet we would buy less or at the very least pay less than we do. The snack itself tasted okay I guess. They really phoned this one in. It was literally just regular Funyuns coated with that slightly sour, ever so slightly bitter, but chemically hot, red spice-powder. I think it's supposed to imitated a halfway point between buffalo sauce and Frank's Red Hot, maybe.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02788_zpstwh0lx0c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h137/funkthulhu/CAM02788_zpstwh0lx0c.jpg" height="400" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Please enjoy our hard-fried spicy prolapse rings...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
One could say that they phoned it in so hard, that I am phoning in this review just for eating it. I am torn between putting in a moratorium on reviewing any snack with the red spice powder of death on it, and not having anything new to review. Since it seems that every new and "extreme" chip is absolutely covered with the stuff.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Maybe I'll just switch to doing reviews on yogurt or salad....</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Rating: Meh, out of Ehh (2.25/5)<br /><div>
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</div>
Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2650605927167127674.post-62826297194234088742014-10-20T11:44:00.001-07:002014-10-20T13:58:29.520-07:00Am I running out of snacks that I am willing to eat for a review...?Today we have yet another "chips" review. I have to put chips in quotation marks because we've moved beyond potatoes and even on to popcorn products. I figure they all hang together on the shelf in bags, they're all fair game.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<b>TAKIS </b>- Salsa Brava flavor Hot Sauce Corn Snack by Barcel<br />
(a company of <b>Grupo Bimbo</b> <--awesome name)<br />
Net Wt 4oz<br />
4 servings at 160 calories each (640 for the bag)<br />
<br />
This bag is weird. When unopened the air pressure inside made it difficult to determine what was actually in the bag. Once opened everything settled to the bottom which appears to be some sort of space-time distortion, as it seemed I needed to put my hand all the way in to the elbow to come in contact with the snack. Furthermore, the net wt of the snack is 4oz on the bag, but it feels deceptively hefty like it weighs a pound.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Once you get by the TARDIS effects of the snack in its bag, you are rewarded with a crunchy rolled corn-chip with a powdering of tomatoey-salsa flavoring... and salt. I was immediately reminded of the Doritos DINAMITA review I put on Facebook back in August.* Except this snack appears to have been created by a sane person. The corn chip base is okay, not quite Frito's standard, but with a good crunch. The flavor powder is only on the outside of the chip, applied post-roll. The flavor powder itself is not overpowering, and has much less of the Alum-like pucker of the Doritos snack. I'm not sure of the chronology of these snacks, but since the bag is a TARDIS, I'll just say that I perceive Takis as coming first in the timeline, which makes the Doritos product the insane knockoff.<br />
<br />
The rolled up chips are dusted lightly enough in places that the flavor is almost subtle (at least in comparison to the Doritos). I also noticed that my fingers are not permanently stained, nor have I altered the hue of my pants. I find that the ability to easily taste anything else after eating several of these make me like them more for what they aren't than what they are. That being said, they are not spectacular in a way that makes me want to eat more of them, or suggest them to others. Though, I think paired with a good guacamole or creamy/cheesy sauce these would be fantastic. I have read elsewhere that I got the wussiest flavor of the grouping and there are more crazy flavors involving not only lime, but also jalapeno or even habanero that are supposed to be rather feisty. Mayhaps those flavors are the ones that DINAMITA are copying.<br />
<br />
Keeping all this in mind and the fact that I already had the Doritos and gave it a 3.14 for being crazy, I must give this a higher rating because it is a better snack. I would still force the DINAMITA on people before these, but in rank of quality it beats out craziness.<br />
<br />
Rating: 3.5/5.0<br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">*BONUS - I have included the original short review I originally posted on facebook, August 28, 2014 about the Doritos DINAMITA Chili Limon flavored rolled corn chip snack:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br />
"<span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">Please excuse me, as it would appear that my face has unexpectedly exploded...</span></span><br />
<div style="display: inline; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">These are ridiculously crunchy in a hard way from being tightly rolled tortilla chips. The flavor is, in a word, intense. YOU WILL TAKE A LOAD OF OUR INTENSE FLAVOR RIGHT IN YOUR MOUTH! It is a spicy-hot almost offensively south of the border cliche combo with a slightly chemical-tasting lime flavoring that is more like a powdered vinegar derivative than actual citrus juice. YOU'RE GOING TO CRUNCH AND PUCKER, FUCKER, AND YOU'RE GOING TO COME BACK FOR MORE PUNISHMENT FROM OUR HATE TUBE! Overall I am not repelled by this possible social experiment in food acceptance, but I am glad I have a coke to counter the "rolled to explode with flavor" sensation with every crunch... on a side note, I'm sure my fingertips are now permanently stained a deep red. 3.14/5.0")"</span></div>
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<div style="display: inline; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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Funkthulhuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10035119831100872762noreply@blogger.com0