I put my hand upon my chip. . .

So, let's knock the rust off this shitty blog and start reviewing snack foods again.

I was saying to myself the other day "Self, you need an outlet. You're yelling at kids, traffic, and clouds again. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?  Now you're talking to yourself, and answering!" and then I threw my hands up in the air and left me in the other room while I went and played Zelda...

But I digress.  Today I managed to bring some solidly mediocre (for instant) pho for lunch today, and then managed to dump most all of it down my pant leg.  At which point I learned that the same material they add to denim to make these jeans a bit stretchy, also makes these jeans absorb stupid-hot liquids faster than a ShamWow.  After appreciating a good scalding for what it is I started walking. . . into a Walgreens?  Anyway, I needed sustenance to supplant my missing pho, and I stumbled across these. 

Wave, kids!

Two!  Count them, Two! of the "new" summer flavors that Lay's barfs up every summer as a contest of Do Me a Flavors or some shit.  (wait, it's "Tastes of America" this year...)  Anyway, the "new" is in quotes because I swear I've already reviewed the Truffle Fries, (checks post history...)  Yeah!  I did do the Truffle Fries!  I don't know what they did this time, but they didn't suck as much.  Or maybe I was hungry and that was enough.  Anyway, they still don't smell like anything.

So, my lunch was 430 calories. . plus another bag.

They did add actual Duck Fat, Black Truffle, and Chicken Fat to the ingredients, AND they're not the dead bottom of the list.  So, there's more of that stuff than. . . oh, wait.  Fuck, all the "good stuff" really is the bottom of the list, with parmesan cheese being dead last.  That would explain why these are weak sauce in general.

you need a rope to get down there to the chips...

There is the usual air filled bag protects your chips routine.  I'm starting to appreciate this for what it does, not so much how it looks.  I did get a bag almost entirely of whole, unbroken chips!  (then again, I literally stood there today as the Lay's guy was filling the shelves, stealing bags as he put them up)

I'm going to tell you how to eat these now.  Just eat the whole damned bag.  Do NOT drink anything, or eat anything else.  Consume these chips and only these chips until they are gone.  What will happen is that some of the flavors will meld together, some will pull apart.  The vague aroma that lingered at the opening of the bag will intensify as what you are pulverizing in your mouth slowly eeks up the back of your nasal passage and stimulates your olfactory lobe.  At this point, you will actually taste the truffle, some aged cheese, some parsley.  But, if you take even a single sip of cherry cola (like I did) it will all crumble to dust and you will be back to tasting Fuck All of note. 

Rating:  2 extra hearts / Hearty Truffle 

So, now we're up to 850 calories of chips for lunch...

Okay, then, Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Popper in Wavy form.  There is some serious Bag Funk going on here.  The base oil and potato combo that all chips have as an undertone is sprinkled liberally across the nose with a "Green" smell.  Like, vaguely vegital but bright?  There is also a whisp of bacon.  Looking at the ingredients it actually contains Jalapeno powder!  (also "contains pork"?!?!)  Anyway, it doesn't smell great, but it does smell interesting, which is leaps and bounds better than the vague truffle fries aroma wasteland.

I mean, at least they're in whole pieces

Pretty typical bag-fill, nice whole chips.  Like the truffle fries, all the chips were fresh and crisp.  The wavy style wasn't super thick or tooth-shattering like I like my chips, but they were reasonably crunchy.  But, that's about it.  The flavor was nice, I guess, but nothing to get too excited about.  Considering the audacity of the Bag Funk on opening, I had expected these would tickle the taste buds a bit more than they did.

I keep forgetting what I've ate, so now I write notes on the bags in case I don't post same day...

In the end, I would rather eat the pseudo-bacon jalapeno whatsits more than the sort of truffle fries.  Either would be okay as a dip chip, maybe for french onion, mostly because they won't stand up for themselves.  But alone they just kind of are.

Rating: 257 out of 900 Korok seeds

So, hmmm, 850 calories from chips, another 240 from my Sprecher Cherry Cola, some meh noodles and some broth that didn't go down my leg. . . and as much salt as giving Lot's Wife cunnilingus.

Great Lunch!