Monday, January 12, 2015

My failure to create meaningful content has resulted in another snackfood review...

Interviewer:  You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that?
Subject:  A TURTLE BIT ME ONCE… <30 seconds of silence>
Interviewer:  Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.
Subject:  MECHANICAL, COLD, RENDING
Interviewer:  You're watching a stage play - a banquet is in progress. The guests are enjoying an appetizer of raw oysters. The entree consists of boiled dog stuffed with rice. The raw oysters are less acceptable to you than a dish of boiled dog.
Subject:  DUE TO MY INORAGNIC CONSTRUCTION I DO NOT REQUIRE BIOLOGICAL NUTRIENTS
Interviewer:  A final question:  A stranger comes up to you on the street and hands you a bag of Sabritones Chile & Lime Flavored Puffed Wheat Snacks.  How does this make you feel?
Subject:  I LOVE SABRITONES THEY ARE AN EXCELLENT SNACK FOOD
Interviewer:  I'm sorry Leon, but you have failed this Exam. . . 

This is a really big bag, but it weighs barely over 3 oz....
I learned today that if you run out of stupid shit to write about in your blog, and you're still not ready to dredge up the dark recesses of your soul, you might as well go to another stuffer shack to see if they have different snacks than the usual place that you get your rollerdogs.
Look for the smiley logo, as warning.
I almost gave up on today before I saw these on the opposite side of the store from the normal snacks, nestled in what I can only refer to as the "ethnic section".  Apparently these were segregated out to accommodate the number of "not-white" construction workers that patronize this particular stuffer shack out by I-80.  It was surrounded by Takai's and "other" snacks of a similar nature. (oddly enough the Nachos were very centrally located near the rollerdogs)  I cannot confirm nor deny that they also have a colored fountain drink machine...
Remarkably air filled for such an already airy snack.
Of course, once I opened the bag I realized that the segregation of snacks was in no way related to some flawed back-woods mentality on the value of race, but purely so they could not taint the other snacks with their awfulness.(it also explains the DINAMITA bags over there)  When I first opened this I seriously thought I had a mispackaged bag of pork rinds.
They're all like this, slightly curled formerly square puffed fried blistery whatsits.
However, my hope at pork rinds would soon be shattered by putting one in my mouth.  They are not pork rinds.  They are also not chips, crisps, puffs, corn-chips, or anything else I've ever encountered.  The closest I could come is that time I ate on a dare some of those puffed starch biodegradable packing peanuts they used back in the late 90's (or might still use today, I haven't been in receiving for awhile).  But that's not really accurate either, as they do have a bit of crunch to them.  Almost as though you described to a being not of this earth what your imagined memory of a pork rind was.  It crunches, and then immediately shatters into powder.  This powder then sucks all the moisture out of your mouth to make a vaguely gritty slurry that isn't so much swallowed as allowed to slowly ooze out the back of your mouth.

The flavor is bland.  Ironically, it's like they tried to make Red Nuke Powder, but couldn't find enough food coloring or harsh chemicals to make the RNP really pop.  Weak flavor, horrible texture and a heaping helping of self loathing; this may be the worst thing I've ever reviewed for this blog.  At least Cracker Jacks had a shitty prize and some sugar...

Rating: 0.95/5.0 and dear god don't try to eat these while drinking coffee, you might wish you could vomit from the aftertaste...